ONE Year

I can hardly believe that I am typing one year. I cannot believe it. In some ways it feels like a lifetime ago, and in some ways if feels like yesterday. It's really a hard concept to explain, unless you have personally gone through this. September has hit like a ton of bricks. Just seeing the date alone on my phone in the am gave me chills. Just as I have all summer and most of this year, I keep thinking what I was doing at this time last year. I was happy. I didn't know this. I remember so much of last September. We had just moved and I was gearing up to start a whopping four days of work. I knew that I would only work the first week of school because I was feeling so exhausted. I wanted to begin the year because I had been transferred to a new school. I thought that it would make my transition into my new room this school year easier. Well, that backfired didn't it. I remember my last day of work was my best friends birthday, September 5th. We went to the Keg for dinner and it was a double celebration. I was beginning my leave and it was my friends 30th. I often think back to how happy and clueless I was. Just two short weeks later my world would end.

I have also been reflecting on how far I have come. I truly am a different person since losing Sawyer. I have met so many amazing ladies on this journey with me. I am so grateful to call them some of my closest friends. We have so many wonderful ideas circling around us about how to help other families who go through the loss of a baby. There are some BIG things on the horizon, I can feel it! I am sure there will be more to come about that later.

I have been busy planning Sawyers first birthday. We have decided to have a birthday and memorial for all of our closest friends and family. When we lost Sawyer I was emotionally and physically unable to attend a funeral for him. We have always said since lying in the hospital bed, that we would have a big celebration in his honour on his first birthday. We are going to release blue balloons and send lanterns up to heaven. I hope Sawyer is watching from above, smiling.

Mother's Day 2015

Mother's Day came just as fast as Sawyer went. It's here, one of the days I have thought about since Sawyer died. The day began pretty crummy, as I anticipated. My husband is working and so it is just me and A...and my mil and fil as we are still living with them. All morning I battled through the tears and did a pretty good job hiding my sorrow from A.  We spent the morning at our new house just her and I. We went for a bike ride and had a picnic in our backyard. My mom and grandparents came over for a visit. It was nice but I am happy that I have officially made it to nap time. A is asleep and I am here, reflecting on this day.

I have been really upset today about how the people around me handle our loss. They don't, and to say that upsets me is an understatement. Do the people in my life not think this day may be difficult for me? Do they think that because I have A, that I am ok? I am not ok. I am celebrating mother's day alone, without my smallest babe. I don't know why I logged on to facebook, but I did this morning. So many messages and posts about people loving their moms. So much love shouting out from moms beaming with pride and joy in raising their children. There are those who say they are thinking of those who don't have their moms here with them, and how this day is bitter sweet. There is recognition for those who mother whom are not the biological mothers. I've read nothing about how difficult this day must be for the moms who have lost their children. Not one. People don't want to think about a world with such sadness. No one wants to touch on that topic. It is extremely upsetting and very isolating for those of us who have to live in these shoes. The average person can count on one hand their family, friends and acquaintances living with the loss of a child. Call me selfish, but I just want need some love. I want to feel special on this day, and I most certainly don't. I know Sawyer isn't coming back. I wish those who loved me sent a little Sawyer love my way and recognized the bitterness of this day. Saying nothing feels like a million little knives stabbing me in the heart. Thank goodness for the few people in my life who get it. Those who are along for the ride in this awful grief.

To Sawyer, you are so loved. On this day, just like every day, mommy is missing you so much. What I really want for Mother's day is the chance to see you again. I want to hold you and hug you and kiss you and never let you go. I am so sorry that you are not here with me today. You will forever be my baby and I hope you receive the kiss that I blow to heaven for you each night.

Love you baby boy.

Love, Mommy, xo

Six Months

Six months ago yesterday I woke up to no movement. Six months ago today, Sawyer was born silently. The heartache our family has gone through is so deep, if you have not experienced this type of loss, there is no way for you to capture the pain, even for a second. Six months ago I never could have imagined still standing after losing Sawyer. I have come so far in my healing. The heartache comes in waves now, sometimes striking when I least expect it. Today I expected it and my grief did not disappoint. I first checked the clock at 7:37am, the time Sawyer came into this world.  I logged on to facebook to see if I had any messages only to see my feed is full of happy birthdays and anniversaries. It is also St. Patrick's Day. I was asked today, "Hey, where's your green?", and that made it all that much harder. How can you remember St. Patrick's day and not that I lost my baby six months ago today? It's the seventeenth, doesn't everyone know? I know I sound ridiculous. It's not his 'birthday', but six months without my baby is a big deal.

Sawyer, we miss you more than words can describe. We think about you and talk about you all the time. I finally was brave enough to develop your pictures and put them in an album. We showed your sister your pictures and she wouldn't put them down. She thinks you are really cute! We are so proud of you baby and you have changed our lives for the better. We will do good by you, I promise. Because of you a lot of kindness will be spread.

I love you, Sawyer <3 

Valentine's Day

This is completely contradictory from my last post. Somewhere in my negative mood, I was reminded of something a family member did that truly made me smile. On Valentine's day my dad and step-mom gave us a gift of chocolates. They were mainly for A and they were decorated with hearts. On each heart it said our names, and on one special heart there was an S with a heart around it. Seeing a symbol representing Sawyer made my heart so happy.

Thank you for recognizing Sawyer as a member of our family.

We love and miss you so much, Sawyer. Seriously, I don't think one minute goes by that I do not think of you. We blow you kisses to heaven each night and your big sister talks about you often.

Love you baby boy xxx

SEVEN

Today has been a hard day. It is not a significant day, just difficult because of the obvious. I couldn't sleep last night as my mind was racing and replaying awful things. I was up all night with A because she has a terrible cold. She slept with me and in the few moments of sleep that she had, all I could do was worry about her and think about what happened to Sawyer. I have never been more thankful to be up all night with my little girl. The best sound in the world is listening to her breathe and the sounds she makes with her soother. I love watching her sleep. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, but today has been emotional.

Today I overheard my mother in law tell someone on the phone that she had six grandchildren. Five boys and one girl. There are SEVEN. SIX boys. I was crushed into a million little pieces all over again. Sawyer is our son. He is and always will be a huge part of our lives. How could his existence not be validated through her number of grandchildren? Was it too difficult to perhaps maybe have to explain that one of them is not with us? How am I supposed to live my life each day honouring him when it is difficult for others to mention him in a phone conversation? It seems as though my worst fear is happening. He is not being remembered and each little jab reminding me that he is not here with me kills a piece of my heart. Today, it seems like I do not have many pieces left. I know this comment wasn't meant to hurt me. But it did. It probably came out and it didn't even register to her that the answer should be different. I am so sensitive and words like these hurt more than the average person can imagine. My kids are my world. Please include both of them. 

The Results

Let's start with the good news. The good news is that my husband and I both absolutely loved our new obstetrician. Both her and her resident were fabulous! They were caring and genuine. We had all of the time in the world to talk to them. We weren't rushed and they were both so sweet and informative.

The bad news is that we were given an answer. The answer is that there is no answer. Just as we had expected. The report was in and everything tested on him and I was normal. They believe he was growing right up until he died. They think it was something acute that happened during my sleep that night, but they were unable to say what. It is frustrating for sure, but it is the answer that we expected to hear. We found out that he was measuring 38 weeks! What a big boy. He appeared healthy, other than the obvious. The other tough part of the appointment was the location. It was literally steps away from the unit where I stayed after I delivered Sawyer. While I was waiting for my appointment I could see the room where we spent several nights. I was surprisingly ok. I was thankful to have my husband there. Then there was the receptionist who assumed I was pregnant when I checked in and asked if I had an ultrasound this morning (ultrasounds are done on another level of the hospital). That stung.

Together, we made a plan for our next pregnancy. They gave us the green light to try again whenever we are ready. They assured me that I would have excellent care and that they would be there 24/7 to answer my questions and to ease my concern. This new ob is located in the hospital we delivered Sawyer in. It is a hospital that specializes in children and I know we will be in good hands there. It is comforting for me that they are always open and someone will be there to help me. She said that if I needed to I could come in every day! I would have regular ultrasounds and non stress tests. They would like to see me get to 37 weeks, but if everything was going well and I absolutely needed to have the baby at 36 weeks (when we lost Sawyer), I could. All of this sounds great, but I can't help but think all of this should have been done with Sawyer. I don't want to feel like my next pregnancy is a 'redo' with better care. I should have demanded this type of care with him, and he may be here today. See, I am still blaming myself. There was no reason for me to have this type of care with him because I had, or so I thought, a problem free pregnancy.

A big part of our appointment was me asking every single thing I could to rule out what could have caused this. Was it that coffee I had that day? Was it my vitamins that I was taking? Was it my stress? Thankfully, she assured me that it was not any of those things! She said that stress may cause early labour, but not death. I was happy, to finally, after over 5 months, speak with a doctor who took the time to answer my questions and genuinely care. 

The anticipation for this appointment was difficult. I am happy his results were in, I just wish we were given an answer as to what exactly went wrong. It seems so senseless to take such a beautiful perfect boy. We miss you Sawyer. I hope you know that, xxxx. 

To The Mom Whose Baby Died

To the mom who is tired. To the mom who thinks she is failing. To the working mom. To the busy mom. I am sure you have seen letters like these floating around the social media world. These letters are meant to be encouraging for mothers. It is women banding together and empowering each other. They are affirming that how they are parenting, how they feel, is acceptable and normal. When one mother admits something and another mother can relate, it changes the way you perceive yourself as a mother. It is comforting to know that other mothers are feeling the same feelings as you. It is always nice to know that you aren't alone.

This has got me thinking. What about the moms whose babies have died? There are never any letters to mothers about how to handle their grief. There aren't letters floating around my news feed about how to cope when your baby dies. I don't want to be the mom who needs these letters, but here I am. Isolated from the 'mom' world. When our loss was new and fresh, all I wanted to do was feel less alone. I wanted to know that other mothers had gone through this and survived. I wanted so badly for someone to scoop me up and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I needed to feel normal again and I longed for people who understood the pain. So today, I will write my own letter.

To the mom whose baby died.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to take away your sadness, but I hope these words can bring you some comfort for the next few weeks and months ahead. Right now you are probably in a fog. You are not sure how you will pick yourself up from this. You can not imagine living your life without your baby. Your future is different, and you are angry. You are replaying the last few days and weeks of your pregnancy, wondering what you could have done differently to save your baby. You are angry at yourself. You are angry at the world. If your baby was your first child, you are wondering if you will ever mother a child here on earth. If you have other children at home, you are wondering how you will be able to go on and parent them the same way you have been doing since the day they were born. Smiling seems like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. You fear that you will never be the same person again. You miss your old self and your old life terribly. You are in disbelief over how things can go from great to terrible. The thought of going out in public and running into people you know is crippling. Everyday tasks such as showering and making meals seem impossible. You feel alone. You feel like no one understands the pain you are feeling. You may be angry at some of your family and friends for not doing and saying the 'right' things.You desperately want your baby and your pregnancy to be acknowledged. You know that you are still a mother to your baby and you want the world to know and recognize this.

I want you to know that you are still a mother to your baby. You will think of ways to honour your baby and make them a part of your life. You will think of the time spent with your baby, both in your womb and in your arms, as a blessing. You will smile when you think of your babies cute features and you will talk proudly of your little blessing taken too soon. I want you to know that you can grieve for as long as you need to grieve. Time will heal up some of the wounds that feel impossible to mend. I want you to know that this was not your fault.You will find out the science behind your loss, even if it is deemed an unknown cause, and you will move forward. The feelings of guilt will come and go and you will accept that you did everything you could have to save your baby. I want you to know that you have a voice. You will slowly figure out that you need to set the stage for your family and friends and set them up for success, so to speak. You will realize that the world is not against you and that people just simply do not know how to 'be' in situations like this. Death is not a comfortable topic for people, especially the loss of a child. Eventually those close to you will become comfortable talking about the memory of your baby just as you have. I want you to know that you WILL smile again. You will smile, and you will mean it. The debilitating days of pain and sorrow will become further a part and the heaviness will lift. You will slowly come to terms with your loss and you will accept it.  I want you to know that you will learn to live in this new normal and slowly your old self will emerge. You will still laugh and enjoy life. You will still enjoy your passions as you did before. You will now live your life with a new appreciation and outlook. Most importantly, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many women just like you. This has happened before, and unfortunately it will happen again. I want you to know that you will build strength through these women who have gone through this before. I want you to know that YOU will become that strength. One day you will use your strength to help another mother whom is going through a loss herself.  Life is a circle. A beautiful messy and powerful circle.

Love,

Another hurting mom xo