My Birthday Escape

This past week I celebrated my 31st birthday. My wonderful husband planned a night away for us in Collingwood, at the Blue Mountain Village.We began our trip at the Scandinave Spa with a 1.5 hour hot stone massage followed by spending the rest of the day in the baths. Robes + Freezing Cold + Snow + Fire + Hot Baths + Saunas = Relaxation. Just what we both needed. We had lunch in our robes and sipped tea and coffee on couches overlooking the beautiful outdoor spa. The smell of cedar was so calming and the eucalyptus sauna was refreshing. Being outside in the fresh air all warm and cozy by the fires and pools was such a treat. I am so thankful.

Following the spa we made our way to the village where we basically ate, and ate, and ate. Poutine, pizza, wings, Rocky Mountain chocolate and fudge, beaver tails, and of course Starbucks were some of what we enjoyed. The scenery was beautiful! Blue Mountain Village is sort of like a horseshoe of hotels and shops. The hotels are above all of the shops and restaurants. In the middle there is a skating pond and more restaurants. At the base of the horseshoe is the bottom of the mountain where the ski slops end. There is Christmas lights lining the buildings and trees. It was very pretty. We walked around, shopped, and skated. It was lovely! Next time, we vowed to ski! We are want to be skiers. Every winter we say we will go but I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding. Sadly not the case this year. Maybe we will get out skiing yet before the winder comes to an end as next year I *hopefully will either be pregnant or breastfeeding!

The next morning we had breakfast and shopped for our daughter. Our daughter is sadly obsessed with candy. I know all kids like sweet treats but she seriously has a candy problem. She is like me that way, she loves her sweets! We text her a picture of the candy store in the village because we knew she would flip out if she were with us. We bought her a big lollipop, ballet slippers, a tutu, and a robe. We couldn't wait to give her her gifts! She loved everything but I have to say that the robe took the cake. "Just like Mommy and Nonna", she said. She missed us but I think we definitely missed her more. It was a great trip and I can honestly say that I am beginning to feel a little more like my 'old' self again. A little mini vacation brought me back just a little and I am thankful for that. I thought of Sawyer just as much as I thought of my little A at home. I wish so badly that I could return home to two loving sets of arms, but I know that there is a little Sawyer in A's hug that is always waiting for me.

                    

The Seventeenth

Today I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old in heaven. I am so proud of both of them. Every time the 17th rolls around I remember both of my children. The one who is with me here on earth and the one I will forever hold in my heart. I miss you Sawyer. If you were here you would have had your monthly photo taken for your baby book just like your sister. I would have written your monthly story to accompany the photo, and of course you wold have been smothered with kisses and cuddles. I Love you! 

                                       

A New Year

I did a lot of reflecting as 2014 came to an end. 2014 is a year that I will remember for the rest of my life. It marks the end of my old life and the start of my new life of loss. In many ways it was both the happiest and saddest year of my life. The best year, and the worst year.

Nine months of 2014 were spent blissfully pregnant. I had my husband, my two year old daughter, my baby boy, my dog, and my home. We were all healthy and alive, living happily in our home. All together. I did not know pain. I did not know sadness. I did not know anger. I did not know grief. We were all unaware of the living nightmare that would strike before we had the chance to meet our sweet baby. There were no signs or warnings to prepare. Loss struck and it struck really hard.

In 2014 I experienced several people die. I began the year last January by going to a funeral for a three year old boy who died of cancer. I remember thinking that that would be was the saddest funeral I would ever attend. The brother in law of my moms best friend committed suicide. My brothers best friend fell asleep at the wheel after leaving my brothers house and died. My Oma's husband (whom I don't have a relationship with) died of cancer. My grandmother got cancer and went through a surgery. We sold our home and did not find one to purchase in time for our closing date. I remember actually saying that Sawyer was the only good thing that would happen in 2014. Then, before I could blink, he was taken from us too. Another blow, possibly the biggest blow, to our family before the year would end.

2015 is going to be a year of new beginnings. We will purchase a house, move in, and make it our home for a long time. I have so much faith that 'the one' will come up this month! I will gain some control of my life back. I will go back to work and function like a normal human being. We will *hopefully create a new life. Our third child. My daughter will be the sister of a sibling here on earth. We will infuse our home with memories of Sawyer and he will become a happy thought. We will do something in his memory and start new traditions for our family.

In many ways this year will symbolize how our family moves forward. We can let starting over destroy us, or we can grow as a couple and as parents in a positive way. I prefer the latter.

Cheers to 2015!

This Christmas

Christmas came just as fast as it went. The weeks leading up to Christmas were full of emotion. Some days I felt like I had things under control, that I was in a good place; Then, suddenly I wasn't. I knew visiting family would be difficult as I hadn't seen anyone in the months since we lost Sawyer. I knew waking up on Christmas morning would be sad as it would not be the Christmas I had envisioned since last January. I knew I had to be strong for my daughter. I knew I had to make Christmas as Christmasy as I could, for her. So, I pulled myself together. I shopped, I wrapped, I baked, I wrote cards. In the few months since our lives were torn a part I have noticed a pattern on specific dates. The anticipation of the date, in my experience has usually been worse than the actual date. The seventeenth of each month, Sawyer's due date (Thanksgiving Day), Halloween, they were all o.k days, aside from anticipating them. So once again, I thought Christmas would be the same.

And then this happened.*If anyone reads this and is offended, I apologize for the profanity.

We had been at my grandmothers for not even five minutes. We were all gathered around the living room enjoying each others company. My aunt asked our daughter what she wanted Santa to bring her and she replied, "A candy cane", my aunt then said, "Come on, really? Don't you want a baby?". My heart sunk. I wanted to scream, YES she wants a fucking baby, she wants her brother here and alive! How dare you use the word baby around me. Don't you know how I feel inside? But of course I didn't. I just sat there looking around in amazement as no one seemed to think that was odd to say in front of someone whose baby just died. Immediately after my uncle looked around the room while announcing, "I'm not sure who to look at, but we need more babies in this family". Um, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this actually happening right now?  I just had a baby, your niece. Do you remember? Do you not know the baby died and that saying such a thing is beyond inconsiderate? I looked at my husband across the room and he could tell that I had broke. I got up and left the room. There I was on Christmas Eve, curled up in my grandmother's bed, bawling. How could this be? My family is supposed to be my safe place. Didn't they share with each other before they came that this would be a tough Christmas for us? Don't they know how to act around someone who is so broken? Why don't they know? This was the beginning of my Christmas.

Christmas day wasn't as brutal. We had Christmas morning at my in laws and our daughter was so incredibly happy with all of the busyness, candy, chocolate and presents. We had brunch at my dads followed by Christmas dinner at my in laws. Nothing incredibly stupid was said and the day was over before we knew it.

One thing that continues to crush me is that Sawyer wasn't included in our Christmas with either side of our family. Nothing done in his memory. Nothing done for him or us, or our daughter. His name wasn't written on our cards or spoken. This saddens me to the core. Sawyer is our son. He is a much loved brother. He is a nephew and grandchild just like the other children in our family. I will never understand how the people around us don't think of these things. One tiny little gesture to let us know that you care, to acknowledge his existence, would have made our first Christmas without him a little more bearable. I guess I shouldn't say nothing was done, there were two special things done for Sawyer in the weeks before Christmas. My best friend gave me a willow tree figurine a week before Christmas. She said it was for Sawyer's first Christmas and hoped that it would bring me some comfort. This meant the world to me. I can't tell you how touched I was for her to think of this Christmas as Sawyer's first Christmas. Also, a few weeks before Christmas my mother and father in law bought an angel ornament for our daughter with the saying 'an angel is watching over you'. I love that this was done for her because she will always know when and why that ornament was given to her. I know I sound bratty expecting these things, but part of me, a big part of me, wanted to be overwhelmed with kindness this Christmas. Sawyer would have been spoiled and loved on so much if he were here. He may not be physically here, but trust me when I say he is here in my heart. He is just as much a part of my husband and I as our daughter is. Please don't forget about him as a part of our family. If someone would have bought a gift and donated it to a little boy or hospital in honour of Sawyer, I absolutely would have melted. I know I shouldn't expect these things and that I sound selfish for thinking this way, but I can't hide the truth. It's been eating away inside me. I think I feel this way because this is his 'first Christmas' and it is one that we have been anticipating for a long time. I am sure people are trying to 'protect' our feelings by not bringing him up. What they don't understand is that I am thinking of Sawyer and what happened 24/7. Talking about him and engaging my emotions is not going to crush me. It's going to lift me up knowing that he is cared about. I want him to be loved and thought of as much as our daughter.

This year I realized that Christmas isn't always a happy time of year. Prior to our loss I would decorate the house before December arrived. On December 1st we would get our tree. I would have my cards filled out and sent early. I would proudly say Merry Christmas to those around me. I never understood how people could say they didn't like Christmas. Now, unfortunately, I get it. I will no longer pass judgment on how people view certain holidays. The holidays can be a painful time of year. It can be a reminder of what we don't have. And for some, it can be a reminder of who we will never have. What I have tried to remember this Christmas is all that I DO have. I am thankful for many things this Christmas, including the son that I long to hold and squeeze tight.

Something happened a few nights before Christmas that made the upcoming days a little lighter. I was tucking our daughter into bed when she told me that baby Sawyer laid on her pillow and kissed her cheek. It put the biggest smile on my face and warmed my heart. To hear our daughter talk about her brother is so incredibly calming for me. I really hope her words are true. It made me feel that Sawyer was o.k. and that our daughter was o.k. too. Both my children were happy and o.k at the same time.

Thank you for that small sign Sawyer and A. That was my best present of all. Merry Christmas.

Dear Sawyer

Dear Sawyer,

I miss you. I miss you every second of every day. Your sister talks about you a lot. Like Mommy and Daddy, she doesn't understand what happened to you. She knows that you are up in Heaven and smiles when she talks about you. You are a part of our conversations every day. 

Christmas is in three days and we are very sad that we won't be able to hug you. It's one of the things I miss the most about you being gone. Being able to squish your newborn body with the biggest of hugs and smell your baby smell every day. I am sure you see me with your sister - I am a very hands on touchy feely loves to cuddle smothery type of Mommy. Some might call me obsessive. With your sister I pretty much cuddled her every second of every day, and still do! Our guests would politely remind me that I could have her once they leave and it was their turn! I think about us all of the time and know that you would have been my new little cuddly buddy. The love and bond that we would have shared makes me happy and sad all at once. We have a new Mommy son relationship now. I still love you just the same. Perhaps one day in a daydream I will be cuddling with you and your sister at the same time. That is what I would like for Christmas. 

This is the ornament that we received for you from our remembering together swap. We hung it on our tree while thinking of you. Your sister knew how special this was to us. She touched your ornament and paused so patiently for a picture. You are so lucky to have her for a sister! She loves you very much. She knows which ornaments are for you on the tree and it is really special to hear her speak your name.
 

  

We love you, Sawyer. Merry First Christmas in Heaven.

Love, 

Mommy, Daddy, Ava and Bosco

xo xo xo xo

A Punch In The Gut

Recently I was out for coffee with two friends. One friend asked what was new with me. I was kind of annoyed as obviously the only thing new with me is tragedy. So I answered honestly and said, "Well my baby died". The look on both their faces was pure shock. It may sound morbid to just blatantly say it, but it is true. To me, it is normal to say and it is normal to hear. After all that is the only thing new in my life. It consumes me. "Whoa, punch me in the gut why don't ya!" was her response. Then it hit me - that is how I feel every single time I think about our loss. Every reminder I feel like I have been punched in the gut.

When I see a baby
When I see a little boy
When I see baby clothes
When I see boy things
When I see or hear about a pregnancy
When I hear the word brother, baby, angel, heaven, died, death, killed
Every.Single.Time.I.Log.Onto.Facebook

It all does it. It must be grief. Damn grief punches me in the stomach all day long. How am I to leave the house? How am I to watch t.v? How can I do anything with my two year old daughter that doesn't remind me of my loss?

He died. It is not a secret. It happened. I have to become comfortable saying it, and you my friends, need to become comfortable hearing it. It is not going away. Now, 10, 30 years from now I will still have a son that died. So please, become comfortable with it. If you talk to me about it - about him, you will see that it will become o.k. for you to talk about. Talking about things is how we become comfortable with a topic. Our society isn't comfortable with the topic of death - especially the death of a baby or child. It's not natural for our littles to die and so we turn our heads to the topic because we don't know how to handle such sad conversations. Unfortunately, many families have to deal with this incredibly painful loss.  Please don't turn your back on infant and child loss. Become comfortable with expressing your thoughts and feelings in a respectful manner when you are in the company of those suffering.

That one minute of uncomfortableness for you, is a lifetime of uncomfortableness for me.

Pregnant Chicken On Stillbirth

Finally, a factual and informative post about stillbirth. Stillbirth is something I knew NOTHING about until it happened to me. The word stillbirth to me was a word associated with something terrible that happened to your baby in the 1800's. It's 2014...and it happened to me!

http://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2014/4/5/scary-shit-series-stillbirth