My Birthday Escape

This past week I celebrated my 31st birthday. My wonderful husband planned a night away for us in Collingwood, at the Blue Mountain Village.We began our trip at the Scandinave Spa with a 1.5 hour hot stone massage followed by spending the rest of the day in the baths. Robes + Freezing Cold + Snow + Fire + Hot Baths + Saunas = Relaxation. Just what we both needed. We had lunch in our robes and sipped tea and coffee on couches overlooking the beautiful outdoor spa. The smell of cedar was so calming and the eucalyptus sauna was refreshing. Being outside in the fresh air all warm and cozy by the fires and pools was such a treat. I am so thankful.

Following the spa we made our way to the village where we basically ate, and ate, and ate. Poutine, pizza, wings, Rocky Mountain chocolate and fudge, beaver tails, and of course Starbucks were some of what we enjoyed. The scenery was beautiful! Blue Mountain Village is sort of like a horseshoe of hotels and shops. The hotels are above all of the shops and restaurants. In the middle there is a skating pond and more restaurants. At the base of the horseshoe is the bottom of the mountain where the ski slops end. There is Christmas lights lining the buildings and trees. It was very pretty. We walked around, shopped, and skated. It was lovely! Next time, we vowed to ski! We are want to be skiers. Every winter we say we will go but I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding. Sadly not the case this year. Maybe we will get out skiing yet before the winder comes to an end as next year I *hopefully will either be pregnant or breastfeeding!

The next morning we had breakfast and shopped for our daughter. Our daughter is sadly obsessed with candy. I know all kids like sweet treats but she seriously has a candy problem. She is like me that way, she loves her sweets! We text her a picture of the candy store in the village because we knew she would flip out if she were with us. We bought her a big lollipop, ballet slippers, a tutu, and a robe. We couldn't wait to give her her gifts! She loved everything but I have to say that the robe took the cake. "Just like Mommy and Nonna", she said. She missed us but I think we definitely missed her more. It was a great trip and I can honestly say that I am beginning to feel a little more like my 'old' self again. A little mini vacation brought me back just a little and I am thankful for that. I thought of Sawyer just as much as I thought of my little A at home. I wish so badly that I could return home to two loving sets of arms, but I know that there is a little Sawyer in A's hug that is always waiting for me.

                    

The Seventeenth

Today I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old in heaven. I am so proud of both of them. Every time the 17th rolls around I remember both of my children. The one who is with me here on earth and the one I will forever hold in my heart. I miss you Sawyer. If you were here you would have had your monthly photo taken for your baby book just like your sister. I would have written your monthly story to accompany the photo, and of course you wold have been smothered with kisses and cuddles. I Love you! 

                                       

A New Year

I did a lot of reflecting as 2014 came to an end. 2014 is a year that I will remember for the rest of my life. It marks the end of my old life and the start of my new life of loss. In many ways it was both the happiest and saddest year of my life. The best year, and the worst year.

Nine months of 2014 were spent blissfully pregnant. I had my husband, my two year old daughter, my baby boy, my dog, and my home. We were all healthy and alive, living happily in our home. All together. I did not know pain. I did not know sadness. I did not know anger. I did not know grief. We were all unaware of the living nightmare that would strike before we had the chance to meet our sweet baby. There were no signs or warnings to prepare. Loss struck and it struck really hard.

In 2014 I experienced several people die. I began the year last January by going to a funeral for a three year old boy who died of cancer. I remember thinking that that would be was the saddest funeral I would ever attend. The brother in law of my moms best friend committed suicide. My brothers best friend fell asleep at the wheel after leaving my brothers house and died. My Oma's husband (whom I don't have a relationship with) died of cancer. My grandmother got cancer and went through a surgery. We sold our home and did not find one to purchase in time for our closing date. I remember actually saying that Sawyer was the only good thing that would happen in 2014. Then, before I could blink, he was taken from us too. Another blow, possibly the biggest blow, to our family before the year would end.

2015 is going to be a year of new beginnings. We will purchase a house, move in, and make it our home for a long time. I have so much faith that 'the one' will come up this month! I will gain some control of my life back. I will go back to work and function like a normal human being. We will *hopefully create a new life. Our third child. My daughter will be the sister of a sibling here on earth. We will infuse our home with memories of Sawyer and he will become a happy thought. We will do something in his memory and start new traditions for our family.

In many ways this year will symbolize how our family moves forward. We can let starting over destroy us, or we can grow as a couple and as parents in a positive way. I prefer the latter.

Cheers to 2015!