A New Year

I did a lot of reflecting as 2014 came to an end. 2014 is a year that I will remember for the rest of my life. It marks the end of my old life and the start of my new life of loss. In many ways it was both the happiest and saddest year of my life. The best year, and the worst year.

Nine months of 2014 were spent blissfully pregnant. I had my husband, my two year old daughter, my baby boy, my dog, and my home. We were all healthy and alive, living happily in our home. All together. I did not know pain. I did not know sadness. I did not know anger. I did not know grief. We were all unaware of the living nightmare that would strike before we had the chance to meet our sweet baby. There were no signs or warnings to prepare. Loss struck and it struck really hard.

In 2014 I experienced several people die. I began the year last January by going to a funeral for a three year old boy who died of cancer. I remember thinking that that would be was the saddest funeral I would ever attend. The brother in law of my moms best friend committed suicide. My brothers best friend fell asleep at the wheel after leaving my brothers house and died. My Oma's husband (whom I don't have a relationship with) died of cancer. My grandmother got cancer and went through a surgery. We sold our home and did not find one to purchase in time for our closing date. I remember actually saying that Sawyer was the only good thing that would happen in 2014. Then, before I could blink, he was taken from us too. Another blow, possibly the biggest blow, to our family before the year would end.

2015 is going to be a year of new beginnings. We will purchase a house, move in, and make it our home for a long time. I have so much faith that 'the one' will come up this month! I will gain some control of my life back. I will go back to work and function like a normal human being. We will *hopefully create a new life. Our third child. My daughter will be the sister of a sibling here on earth. We will infuse our home with memories of Sawyer and he will become a happy thought. We will do something in his memory and start new traditions for our family.

In many ways this year will symbolize how our family moves forward. We can let starting over destroy us, or we can grow as a couple and as parents in a positive way. I prefer the latter.

Cheers to 2015!