This Christmas

Christmas came just as fast as it went. The weeks leading up to Christmas were full of emotion. Some days I felt like I had things under control, that I was in a good place; Then, suddenly I wasn't. I knew visiting family would be difficult as I hadn't seen anyone in the months since we lost Sawyer. I knew waking up on Christmas morning would be sad as it would not be the Christmas I had envisioned since last January. I knew I had to be strong for my daughter. I knew I had to make Christmas as Christmasy as I could, for her. So, I pulled myself together. I shopped, I wrapped, I baked, I wrote cards. In the few months since our lives were torn a part I have noticed a pattern on specific dates. The anticipation of the date, in my experience has usually been worse than the actual date. The seventeenth of each month, Sawyer's due date (Thanksgiving Day), Halloween, they were all o.k days, aside from anticipating them. So once again, I thought Christmas would be the same.

And then this happened.*If anyone reads this and is offended, I apologize for the profanity.

We had been at my grandmothers for not even five minutes. We were all gathered around the living room enjoying each others company. My aunt asked our daughter what she wanted Santa to bring her and she replied, "A candy cane", my aunt then said, "Come on, really? Don't you want a baby?". My heart sunk. I wanted to scream, YES she wants a fucking baby, she wants her brother here and alive! How dare you use the word baby around me. Don't you know how I feel inside? But of course I didn't. I just sat there looking around in amazement as no one seemed to think that was odd to say in front of someone whose baby just died. Immediately after my uncle looked around the room while announcing, "I'm not sure who to look at, but we need more babies in this family". Um, what? Are you fucking kidding me? Is this actually happening right now?  I just had a baby, your niece. Do you remember? Do you not know the baby died and that saying such a thing is beyond inconsiderate? I looked at my husband across the room and he could tell that I had broke. I got up and left the room. There I was on Christmas Eve, curled up in my grandmother's bed, bawling. How could this be? My family is supposed to be my safe place. Didn't they share with each other before they came that this would be a tough Christmas for us? Don't they know how to act around someone who is so broken? Why don't they know? This was the beginning of my Christmas.

Christmas day wasn't as brutal. We had Christmas morning at my in laws and our daughter was so incredibly happy with all of the busyness, candy, chocolate and presents. We had brunch at my dads followed by Christmas dinner at my in laws. Nothing incredibly stupid was said and the day was over before we knew it.

One thing that continues to crush me is that Sawyer wasn't included in our Christmas with either side of our family. Nothing done in his memory. Nothing done for him or us, or our daughter. His name wasn't written on our cards or spoken. This saddens me to the core. Sawyer is our son. He is a much loved brother. He is a nephew and grandchild just like the other children in our family. I will never understand how the people around us don't think of these things. One tiny little gesture to let us know that you care, to acknowledge his existence, would have made our first Christmas without him a little more bearable. I guess I shouldn't say nothing was done, there were two special things done for Sawyer in the weeks before Christmas. My best friend gave me a willow tree figurine a week before Christmas. She said it was for Sawyer's first Christmas and hoped that it would bring me some comfort. This meant the world to me. I can't tell you how touched I was for her to think of this Christmas as Sawyer's first Christmas. Also, a few weeks before Christmas my mother and father in law bought an angel ornament for our daughter with the saying 'an angel is watching over you'. I love that this was done for her because she will always know when and why that ornament was given to her. I know I sound bratty expecting these things, but part of me, a big part of me, wanted to be overwhelmed with kindness this Christmas. Sawyer would have been spoiled and loved on so much if he were here. He may not be physically here, but trust me when I say he is here in my heart. He is just as much a part of my husband and I as our daughter is. Please don't forget about him as a part of our family. If someone would have bought a gift and donated it to a little boy or hospital in honour of Sawyer, I absolutely would have melted. I know I shouldn't expect these things and that I sound selfish for thinking this way, but I can't hide the truth. It's been eating away inside me. I think I feel this way because this is his 'first Christmas' and it is one that we have been anticipating for a long time. I am sure people are trying to 'protect' our feelings by not bringing him up. What they don't understand is that I am thinking of Sawyer and what happened 24/7. Talking about him and engaging my emotions is not going to crush me. It's going to lift me up knowing that he is cared about. I want him to be loved and thought of as much as our daughter.

This year I realized that Christmas isn't always a happy time of year. Prior to our loss I would decorate the house before December arrived. On December 1st we would get our tree. I would have my cards filled out and sent early. I would proudly say Merry Christmas to those around me. I never understood how people could say they didn't like Christmas. Now, unfortunately, I get it. I will no longer pass judgment on how people view certain holidays. The holidays can be a painful time of year. It can be a reminder of what we don't have. And for some, it can be a reminder of who we will never have. What I have tried to remember this Christmas is all that I DO have. I am thankful for many things this Christmas, including the son that I long to hold and squeeze tight.

Something happened a few nights before Christmas that made the upcoming days a little lighter. I was tucking our daughter into bed when she told me that baby Sawyer laid on her pillow and kissed her cheek. It put the biggest smile on my face and warmed my heart. To hear our daughter talk about her brother is so incredibly calming for me. I really hope her words are true. It made me feel that Sawyer was o.k. and that our daughter was o.k. too. Both my children were happy and o.k at the same time.

Thank you for that small sign Sawyer and A. That was my best present of all. Merry Christmas.