An Open Letter

An open letter to my friends:

Dear friends,

I am writing you this letter to let you know what I need from you. I am not brave enough to tell you in person. There are many many things that you are doing that are very hurtful. I know you aren't trying to hurt me. I know you love me. You simply just don't know how to act around me. I get it - sort of. I'd like to think that I would just know these things, but maybe I wouldn't. Perhaps you will never read these words and know my feelings, but this is what I am feeling today and I need to share. I need to write.

First, I am sorry that you have lost your friend. You have lost your friendship with me - your bubbly, happy, sarcastic and witty friend. I am the same person, but my mind works a little different now. I am still all of those things - but now I am also so much more. I am still picking up the pieces of my old self and trying merge my new self into one. Just as my life is evolving - our friendship is too.

Please be gentle with me. Please be aware with every fiber of your being of just how fragile I am.

I know on the outside I may appear together - I am not. I can smile. I can laugh. I can joke. I can act. I still need you more than ever to be there for me. I need you to check in with me and simply ask if  I am o.k. Please tell me that you are thinking about me and how you wish things were different. Tell me it's normal to feel the way that I feel and tell me how strong I am. Please tell me that this isn't my fault. Although each day is no longer quite so numb, I still need that reassurance. I need to know you are there for me. Today, and always. If you tell me many years from now that you are thinking about what we went through with Sawyer, I won't be sad. Please talk to me about him. I love him. It shows me that his life had purpose - it shows me you care.

When we are together, please don't talk about other people being pregnant. It hurts. I don't need the reminder that everyone around me gets their happy ending. I know.

If I am at your house and you have ultrasounds and birth announcements laying around - please take them down. If you have a birth announcement up of a baby named Sawyer, that is not my Sawyer - please, take it down.

Please don't mention the word 'baby', unless you are talking about mine. It's a painful reminder that my baby is not with me, and he should be.

I don't want to hear about you loaning out your baby items out to your friends because they aren't being used at your house right now. I don't need to know that you lent them out but will need them back. I don't need the reminder that you will go on to have more children like it's just nothing but an easy thing in life. You will get pregnant and feel joyful and have your child - alive. Mine died.

When you talk about the relationship between your TWO children, it hurts. It reminds me that my two children will never have that relationship.

Please don't talk to me about how difficult it is organizing life with multiple children. Your organizational nightmare is my dream life. 

Please don't talk about little boys and boy things. I may never get the chance to raise a boy - and I should have. I don't need this reminder.

Please don't talk about your 'first family picture' with the four of you. Our family of four looks like a family of three. It hurts when I see your perfect family. Please don't verbally remind me. I know you are happy for your family, and I am happy for you, but I can't share your happiness right now with you.

Please think before you speak. I am still broken. A casual conversation about life can be debilitating to me. I know we talked about these things before. I know your life is the same. But mine is different. VERY different. So please be gentle with me while I work on my new self.

Be gentle. Be considerate. Be very aware of the words coming out of your mouth.

Lastly, please don't be me mad at me if you are reading this. If you are thinking 'oh my god, that one was me!', it's o.k. I forgive you - you just simply don't get it, and I get that. I know that you love me and that you are not intentionally trying to hurt me.

Love,

T