The Move

Aside from the loss of Sawyer, our family is going through another trying time. We are homeless! We have been living with my in-laws for some time now. You can imagine how hard it is to grieve such a loss while not in the comfort of your own home.

We sold our house at the end of June and have been unable to find a house to purchase that we like. We thought for sure the 60 day close would be enough time. We were wrong! We moved because we were in a townhouse and we wanted more space for our TWO children to play. My husbands wonderful parents welcomed us into their home, with the assumption by all parties that we would be here for a few weeks. We had planned to purchase and move in slowly after Sawyer arrived. Their help with a baby and a toddler would be wonderful, we would paint and do some improvements before we moved in. We felt lucky that we wouldn't be rushed. Now we are still here, but with no baby and no move out date.

We know we are being picky, but the house has to be just right. I moved more than a dozen times as a child and I want one home to raise my family in. A home that feels right, and that we love. We didn't realize it would be so hard to find. We came from a brand new townhouse, one where we built and choose all of our upgrades. Now that we are looking for a single detached house, we can't have all of the upgrades and a great location because simply, we aren't millionaires. We are also looking to buy in one of two desirable towns. We could purchase a home where our townhouse was, but we don't want to be so far away from friends and family. Our home search is even more difficult now, as we will be moving in with the 3 of us, and not 4. Our home especially has to feel right now. I hope Sawyer gives us some sort of sign when the right one comes up.

Moving is also my biggest regret. I will forever feel that Sawyer died because we moved. I know babies don't die because people move, but I need an answer, and to me at this moment that sounds logical. Anyone who has moved knows that moving is stressful. I can't help but blame the move on Sawyer's passing. Everything has fallen out of place because of our move. We don't have a home, and most importantly, we have lost our son, our daughters little brother. I was so selfish to want a bigger home. I feel like I sacrificed my baby's life for my happiness - a new home. Except I don't have a home. And I am not happy. If I had a new home, I still would not be happy. I would be happy living in a cardboard box with the four of us. I truly would. My baby died, and it's my fault. How do you live with yourself after that? Truthfully, I am surprised the guilt has not killed me. Why did we choose to move while I was pregnant? Pregnancy is such a special experience, and I took it for granted the second time around. I toted him around in my belly while I chased my two year old and packed boxes all summer. I should have slowed down. I should have listened and watched for signs. I naively assumed that he would arrive happy and healthy just like my daughter. Each doctors appointment he was measuring to size and he had a healthy heartbeat. I felt him move around in my belly often, I talked to him each time he jabbed my ribs and pushed on my belly. But, I didn't count his kicks, and I should have. Maybe I would have noticed that he was slowing down. I will never know, and I have to live with that.

My midwife and high risk obstetrician have assured me that his passing had nothing to do with my stress, but I need an answer and to me that seems possible. We moved, and so our baby died. I know that many people move while pregnant and their babies live, but still, I blame the move. Another part of me feels that perhaps moving was a blessing in disguise. Maybe Sawyer would have passed anyway and somehow god (or whomever I believe in) new that we would need to be surrounded by our family in one home. I am not sure what I believe anymore. I just know that Sawyer is not here, and he should be. We don't have a home for our family, and we should.

We were moved and settled in here 4 weeks before Sawyer died and arrived. My in-laws were in Italy for the first two weeks which gave us time to settle ourselves in. Sawyer came just over a week after they returned home. I am so thankful they were home and with us. The week before Sawyer passed was so relaxing. I had finished work (I worked for 4 days after having the summer off), the move was done, and now I had time to relax with my sweet baby and daughter before his arrival. But, he came too soon and the circumstances were horrific.

A positive - my in laws are fantastic! If I had to be anywhere other than my own home, it would be here. They are so incredibly generous to let us stay here with our wild toddler, and our equally wild boxer dog. They have a beautiful large home with a beautiful property that is so comforting and relaxing. We have our own space and our daughter absolutely loves it here. I don't know who will be more sad when we move out, our daughter or my father in law. My daughter and him have quite the relationship. It's beautiful to see each day. Although they are fantastic, it is hard knowing that we have completely intruded their space. Their once happy and clean home is now stained with the sadness of death. Our big crazy dog is a lot to clean up after - he is drooly and sheddy and gross, but we love him dearly. Our toddler has stuff everywhere. Clothes, toys, art supplies - you name it. Each level of their home is burdened with our family's mess. The literal mess and the sadness mess. It must be difficult to share your home with someone grieving such a loss. I will forever be thankful to them.

Although I am obviously so so sad that Sawyer will not be joining our family physically in our move, I look forward to the day where we finally find a house that feels like a home. I look forward to creating memories in our new home with our daughter, and including memories of Sawyer throughout our home - reminders that he did exist and that we love him dearly.