Fa La La La La

I am a little Christmas OBSESSED. I always have been. I was worried that this year would be terribly sad as our Christmas would not be as I envisioned for our family. Surprisingly, I am beginning to get excited for the holiday season! Instead of having the holidays bring me down, I am choosing them to lift me up and get me through the sadness that is now our life. What better therapy than Christmas music, baking, crafts, snow, buying for others, and toddler smiles? I think I will always feel a little pull on my heart knowing that Sawyer will never spend my favourite holiday with our family here on earth; but, I know that he is with us and that he will be enjoying his first Christmas in heaven. If we get so much excitement out of the holidays here on earth, can you imagine the Christmas celebrations they must have in heaven? These are the thoughts that I have to have and believe for our Sawyer. It brings me peace thinking that heaven is real and that Sawyer is always around us. I need to be the best mommy to our daughter so that Sawyer can look down on us and see that his family is strong, and most importantly, loving. We love each other with everything we have and we will continue to do so until the day we are all together.

Sawyer is not here on earth. He never will be. All we have is beautiful memories and pictures of our very handsome and incredibly adorable baby boy. The only choice we have is to incorporate him into our lives in the best way that we can through holidays and every day life. I suppose you could say that this is one of the only things a bereaved parent can look forward to. With the holidays approaching, I have been thinking of how we will make Sawyer a part of our family traditions.

Recently, I came across a holiday ornament swap called the 'Remembering Together Swap' . Each year you are given a family who has lost a baby - they provide you with the name , date, etc. You make an ornament for their child who has passed and send it to them. In return, someone will make one for us. For Sawyer. I thought this would be nice to do with A each year. Something for her to look forward to in memory of her brother. I have signed up, so we will see how it goes. I also want to do something in Sawyer's name as well. I'd like to do something good with this tragedy. Maybe we will donate something to the hospital, or purchase toys for a family in need. I would also like to have a stocking for Sawyer. Though he isn't with us here on earth, he is still very much a part of our family. I am not sure what to put in it though. What does Santa bring for a child who is not with us? Something to teach our daugther about giving back...but I am not sure what yet!

I sure wish you were here, Sawyer. The holidays will not be the same without you. As you watch over us this holiday season, please know this: Every song we sing with your sister, every silly dance move we make, every family activity we do and book we read, every cuddle, every hug, and every kiss we give, we are doing it with you, for you, because of you. We LOVE you Sawyer, xo.