Check Up

This afternoon I had my 8 week check up with the OB that was with us when Sawyer was born. This is potentially the OB we will use in the future if we decide to have another as she is a high risk OB. I have been anticipating this day for many weeks. Though Sawyer cannot be brought back to us, we were hoping for something positive - answers. Why in the world did this happen to us? Two healthy people, with healthy families.

During my pregnancy with Sawyer, we had a midwife. I was quickly reminded why I went with a midwife when we visited the OB's office today. It was a very similar atmosphere to the OB we used for our daughter. LONG waits. LOTS of people. As soon as I walked through the doors, I noticed a very pregnant, very young, and very unhealthy looking mom to be waiting with her own mom. Her bedazzled shirt said, "Mom in Training". I thought to myself, "She will have a healthy baby". Now please don't think I would wish a harm like stillbirth this on another mother. I would never. But, I have to say it is frustrating knowing that I am ready for another baby, and healthier than this young lady ( I presume), and my baby died!

Our appointment was for 3:00 and we weren't seen until 4:10. During this time in the waiting room, I watched a mother walk in with her husband. I overheard him tell the receptionist that this morning her contractions were 3 mins apart. They were asked to have a seat. I was thinking "NO! Three minutes apart! Go to the hospital before your baby dies!" I suppose that was the Stillbirth mom in me talking. I envied her big round belly. Her exhaustion. I would give anything to have that back.

When we were finally called into a room, the nurse met with us. She did my weight and told us that the Dr. had a few results back from the hospital. She then asked if we had any questions for the doctor. Ummm, yeah. A few. A few hundred! We waited. Again. This by far was the worst part. I was taken right back to that day in the hospital. I felt sick and wished our wait could be over. The walls were so thin. I could hear the doctor in with the patient beside us. It was the young girl from the waiting room. And then I heard it, loud and clear for what felt like an eternity. Her babies heartbeat.  My eyes instantly welled, my throat swelled, and in an instant, I was a blubbery mess. I curled into my husbands arms while covering my ears, wishing for the sound to stop. That beautiful sound that I was hoping to hear that awful morning at the hospital.

When we finally saw the doctor, we were able to ask all of our questions. Unfortunately, the results she had from the hospital were the same results that our midwife went over with us. Everything was normal on him and I. Finally, almost two and a half hours later, we left. Once again, we are overcome with the wonder of why.