Last night I did something brave. To most, this is a regular thing, but to me, it was brave and a pretty big deal. I went out for dinner...at a local restaurant. You have to understand the mind of a bereaved parent before you judge. Going out in public places is a really big deal. For those first few tender weeks I couldn't stomach going anywhere. My nerves and anxiety were through the roof. The thought of seeing the public was terrifying - even if they were strangers. The few times that we did go out during the few weeks following, I would insist that it was a few towns away. I felt like every single person knew everything about me. Like I was wearing a sign that said ' my baby died inside me'. Part of me wanted to wear a sign that said that, noting the reason for my disheveled looks and awkward personality. Like it was some sort of guarantee that no one would talk to me. I do still have these feelings in the public, but not as severe as the first few weeks.
Anyway, last night I was feeling brave and we decided to go out for dinner. We had a pretty good day and we were on our way back from a holiday event at a local garden center. As soon as we walked in I was reminded of our sadness. 'Just the three of you?', the hostess asked. I felt like saying, 'No, there are for of us, but only three of us will be dining physically tonight'. Ugh. Our family of four is only seen as a family of three. A loved one recently reminded me of this too, when I commented on a house being too small for us (while searching for a new home). "It's only the three of you". Oh, thanks. I know. Thanks for reminding me.
Sawyer, we will never think of us as a family of three. We are a family of four. One day, maybe we will be a family of five, or more. You will always be a part of our family.
xo
That is so brave of you to be going out and doing things like holiday events and dinner! I still pretty much confine myself to work and a quick grocery store trip when need be. I have those same feelings of anxiety when I have to go somewhere. When I was pregnant, I could walk around wherever I wanted and everyone knew that I was a mom. Now, it's just a sad secret that I carry. Sometimes I feel like I want to tell everyone I pass in Target, "I'm a mom to a baby in Heaven." How much would that statement throw them for a loop?! I hope you and your family of four are doing well.
ReplyDeleteThanks Kimber. It is still tough! I am constantly worried about seeing people. I now feel a little more confident in saying those dreadful words to people if they ask, so I guess it is becoming somewhat easier to face. Easier is not the right word, but you know what I mean. You are mom and it is no secret! You wore that beautiful bump for 9 long months to prove it! Our family of four is coping, as I am sure your family of three is:) Take care.
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