Your Worst Nightmare

You know when you have one of those horrible dreams? The ones where you wake up in a state of panic with your face wrinkled, body clenched and your stomach in knots? The kind where the dream is so real that you are sure it has happened? I have these dreams every night. The kicker is that I don't have that moment where I think, 'Thank GOD this is just a dream'. It is real. Very real. Your worst nightmare, is my reality. I will never awake from this dream.

Since the early days of losing Sawyer, sleep has been one of those things that I wish so badly I could have. A good sleep. My family gave (and continues) me all the time I needed to rest. I would sleep in every morning and nap when I needed. But, I mostly just lay in bed and think. Sleep is hard work for me lately. I can't seem to get my brain to shut down. I feel like my mind is having a million conversations in a million different languages. All I think about is the loss of Sawyer. When I am awake, when I am sleeping.  I do have moments where there are happy thoughts, but most are sad. I still feel so guilty, and that is what keeps me up at night. I try to divert my thoughts to the happy times with him in my belly, and it makes me smile when I think of ways that our family will remember him. Pictures and sayings that will eventually be a part of our home. Ways our daughter will remember him by. I really like the picture posted here. It is myself walking very pregnant with Sawyer in my belly and my daughter walking along beside us. It makes me smile, and I think it is a nice picture for my daughter to have in her room to remind her that she is a big sister.

I plan on framing this for her and putting a caption saying something like 'beside me always'. I hope she likes it. These are the memories that I have to cherish and talk about. This picture was taken the day before Sawyer passed away. We were at the local fair. We had such a great time there, the four of us. We walked through the buildings and looked at the animals. Our daughter loved the bunnies! She rode a pony and played a fish game. We shared an elephant ear and lots of smiles! I now refer to this day as our last fully and completely happy day as a family. We didn't know the sadness of losing a child and we were so very innocent. I loved this day, and my 30 years before this happened. I can only hope I can truly come to peace with this and live yet again, happy.

Maybe tonight I will dream of a day where we are all together again, and I will awake with a smile:)