The Appointment

Today we have our hospital appointment. The appointment I have been thinking about for months. It is finally happening. Today I will return to the same recovery section of the hospital where I spent those long hours and days after we lost Sawyer. I am hoping I will have enough strength to walk myself there again. We are seeing a new OB who specializes in high risk pregnancies. She will be the one to go over our results and discuss how we will proceed with future pregnancies. I am hoping for some answers as to why Sawyer died. I still feel an incredible amount of guilt and I would love for that to be eased. Part of me feels like when I walk into her office I will be arrested for child negligence! I know that sounds crazy, but how could I not notice and prevent his death? I really hope an answer will help me. I am still baffled by how long we have had to wait. We still may not know everything. The hospital called last week to let us know that his results were still not in, but that the doctor things she has enough to go on, whatever that may mean. They might be in by this afternoon, but I am not expecting it. As for future pregnancies, I am not sure how I feel about it yet. I know I am not ready. I have had the odd feeling of pregnancy, such as waves of feeling ill after smells and waking in the night to pee (I know I am not pregnant), and when those feelings hit me the feeling of not being ready hits. I am not ready for that yet. Physically, I am still drained. Perhaps in the summer I will have a different outlook on a new baby. But for now, absolutely not.