My Life Sentence

They day we found out that our sweet baby died, a part of me died too. I can remember laying in the hospital bed and thinking that life will never be the same. Ever. I will forever be sad and nothing in life will bring me complete joy. How can I continue on knowing that I will always be sad? I really hope that this thought is temporary.

I feel like I have been robbed of life. I am 30, and I was only given 30 years to live a happy life. I now have to continue the remainder of my life with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and a constant reminder of my sadness. My life sentence. I had a pretty great life before all of this happened. I was in control. I controlled how I wanted my life to be, and it worked! I worked hard on my education to become a teacher. I worked hard on my relationship to marry my husband. I planned my daughters birth perfectly, 2 years after we were married. I planned my second to be born just after my daughter turned 2. I was robbed of my plan, my control. I now will not have my sweet baby 2 years after our first. I lost the control to make my daughter a big sister (the kind of big sister that can physically connect with her sibling).

My daughter is what has been keeping me going through these past few weeks (along with my wonderful husband). The love that we share is so powerful, but I can't help but feel like I have been robbed of being a wonderful mother too. Now, when I look at my daughter, I don't only see joy, but rather sadness. Sadness that I will not get to connect with Sawyer in the same way. Sadness about all of the cute things she does, because I can only wonder if he would do them too. Our daughter is so incredibly awesome. She is such a kind, loving and funny girl! Why was I robbed of the chance to raise another awesome little human? I would (and my husband too!) have raised Sawyer to be so kind and loving. The kind of boy that does good in the world. I am so saddened that I won't get that chance. I can only hope that in the future I can look at my daughter with pure joy again.

I think what scares me the most is that I will lose myself. I will lose control of the person I was before this happened. I hope that I can muster the strength to move forward, without moving away from the person that I was before.

Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people, and I unfortunately am one of them. Before all of this, I believed in karma. If karma existed, I would be given the chance to have control over my life. I realize that one cannot control every aspect of their life, but family you should be able to control...especially when you are so close to having your dreams come true. I will continue to do good to others, but as far as karma goes, I am no longer a believer.