The Blame Game

I really hope that one day, I will have some peace with what happened. Right now, my mind is such a mess. I can't stop thinking about what went wrong. How does a textbook pregnancy turn into such a nightmare just like that? I have been racking my brain trying to remember the days and weeks leading up to his passing. Did he have decreased movements and I didn't notice? Did I sleep on my back that night and cut off his oxygen? I started taking extra vitamins to boost my immune for delivery 2 weeks before this happened, maybe that is why? Maybe I was too stressed? We moved and I began a new job, was that too much for me to handle while pregnant? I really feel that this is somehow my fault. I did this to my baby. I am the only one that could have! His home was my belly, and somehow I failed him. I am not sure how I will ever move passed the guilt. I have been told by many doctors that this isn't my fault. Somethings things like this happen to good people. The worst part is the not knowing. I wish I had a reason. We won't have the full pm results back for six months, but our midwife and the ob's from the hospital suspect they will come back as 'no known cause'. There IS a cause. Babies just don't die, as adults just don't die. Something happened, we just don't know what. I feel that I will blame myself, unless something conclusive can tell me otherwise. My sweet Sawyer, please know that mommy did not mean to do this to you. I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and bring you home to your family where you belong.