Re-Evaluating What A Real Problem Is

Ok, this is more of a vent. I am five and a half weeks into this journey, and I am finding myself overwhelmed with anger. Specifically, toward other people and their 'problems'. I was told by my doctors about the stages of grief and how I would probably feel angry towards other mothers and babies. I am not angry towards those having healthy babies, or becoming pregnant. Sure, at times I feel it is unfair and that upsets me, but other peoples happiness is not what makes me angry. The anger I am talking about is a deeper anger toward others and their view of what makes them angry. Am I making any sense? I am angry with those who complain over petty problems. Just STOP IT!

I want to scream: You want to know a real problem?

Finding out your babies heart stopped beating in the home stretch of your pregnancy.

Preparing yourself to give birth to death.

Saying goodbye to your child, mere hours after you met.

Having to explain to your 2 year old why her baby brother isn't coming home.

Having your milk come in with no baby to feed.

Crying so hard that your eyes are nearly swollen shut, then realizing your emotions have made your boobs leak.

These problems are real. They cannot ever be fixed. EVER. Nothing in the whole world can bring back my baby. So when you tell me you are pissed because of the way your sons hockey league is organized, I DON'T CARE (voice your opinion to the league). If you are arguing with your boyfriend because he cancelled your plans, I DON'T CARE (you can make plans for any other day). If you are upset because it's 5am, you've been up with the baby all night, your four year old is up because he has had a bad dream and your toddler is in the kitchen eating a dozen cookies, you guessed it, I DON'T CARE (you are blessed with 3 beautiful children, get up and enjoy them!). I hate being so angry, but it is how I feel at this time.

I am also angry towards those in my past who have drained my energy over and over by supporting them thorough their minor life bumps. I keep thinking of certain people and how I have supported them through what at the time to them seemed like the end of the world. In reality their problems were small. They didn't involve death or sickness. I think back on these times, and feel angry. I am angry with myself too as I used to be one of these people who thought the world was ending over every small issue. Loss really puts things in perspective. Now that I have lost my sweet baby, my son, I can only now see the beauty in embracing every moment with your loved ones. Once it's over, it's really over. Forever. I am so saddened that for me and my son, it is too late. I wish I had some time to prepare for this tragedy. My husband and I would have taken Sawyer to all of the places that a little boy should visit with his family. We would have talked to him about life and our love for him and embraced every movement and tummy kick. Oh how I wish I could have those precious 36 weeks back with him. If you are reading this and you have children, PLEASE see this as a reminder that life is short. Don't get hung up on the small things that are really not important. Enjoy every moment with your loved ones because in the end, the moments and memories are all that matter.