The Results

Let's start with the good news. The good news is that my husband and I both absolutely loved our new obstetrician. Both her and her resident were fabulous! They were caring and genuine. We had all of the time in the world to talk to them. We weren't rushed and they were both so sweet and informative.

The bad news is that we were given an answer. The answer is that there is no answer. Just as we had expected. The report was in and everything tested on him and I was normal. They believe he was growing right up until he died. They think it was something acute that happened during my sleep that night, but they were unable to say what. It is frustrating for sure, but it is the answer that we expected to hear. We found out that he was measuring 38 weeks! What a big boy. He appeared healthy, other than the obvious. The other tough part of the appointment was the location. It was literally steps away from the unit where I stayed after I delivered Sawyer. While I was waiting for my appointment I could see the room where we spent several nights. I was surprisingly ok. I was thankful to have my husband there. Then there was the receptionist who assumed I was pregnant when I checked in and asked if I had an ultrasound this morning (ultrasounds are done on another level of the hospital). That stung.

Together, we made a plan for our next pregnancy. They gave us the green light to try again whenever we are ready. They assured me that I would have excellent care and that they would be there 24/7 to answer my questions and to ease my concern. This new ob is located in the hospital we delivered Sawyer in. It is a hospital that specializes in children and I know we will be in good hands there. It is comforting for me that they are always open and someone will be there to help me. She said that if I needed to I could come in every day! I would have regular ultrasounds and non stress tests. They would like to see me get to 37 weeks, but if everything was going well and I absolutely needed to have the baby at 36 weeks (when we lost Sawyer), I could. All of this sounds great, but I can't help but think all of this should have been done with Sawyer. I don't want to feel like my next pregnancy is a 'redo' with better care. I should have demanded this type of care with him, and he may be here today. See, I am still blaming myself. There was no reason for me to have this type of care with him because I had, or so I thought, a problem free pregnancy.

A big part of our appointment was me asking every single thing I could to rule out what could have caused this. Was it that coffee I had that day? Was it my vitamins that I was taking? Was it my stress? Thankfully, she assured me that it was not any of those things! She said that stress may cause early labour, but not death. I was happy, to finally, after over 5 months, speak with a doctor who took the time to answer my questions and genuinely care. 

The anticipation for this appointment was difficult. I am happy his results were in, I just wish we were given an answer as to what exactly went wrong. It seems so senseless to take such a beautiful perfect boy. We miss you Sawyer. I hope you know that, xxxx. 

To The Mom Whose Baby Died

To the mom who is tired. To the mom who thinks she is failing. To the working mom. To the busy mom. I am sure you have seen letters like these floating around the social media world. These letters are meant to be encouraging for mothers. It is women banding together and empowering each other. They are affirming that how they are parenting, how they feel, is acceptable and normal. When one mother admits something and another mother can relate, it changes the way you perceive yourself as a mother. It is comforting to know that other mothers are feeling the same feelings as you. It is always nice to know that you aren't alone.

This has got me thinking. What about the moms whose babies have died? There are never any letters to mothers about how to handle their grief. There aren't letters floating around my news feed about how to cope when your baby dies. I don't want to be the mom who needs these letters, but here I am. Isolated from the 'mom' world. When our loss was new and fresh, all I wanted to do was feel less alone. I wanted to know that other mothers had gone through this and survived. I wanted so badly for someone to scoop me up and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I needed to feel normal again and I longed for people who understood the pain. So today, I will write my own letter.

To the mom whose baby died.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to take away your sadness, but I hope these words can bring you some comfort for the next few weeks and months ahead. Right now you are probably in a fog. You are not sure how you will pick yourself up from this. You can not imagine living your life without your baby. Your future is different, and you are angry. You are replaying the last few days and weeks of your pregnancy, wondering what you could have done differently to save your baby. You are angry at yourself. You are angry at the world. If your baby was your first child, you are wondering if you will ever mother a child here on earth. If you have other children at home, you are wondering how you will be able to go on and parent them the same way you have been doing since the day they were born. Smiling seems like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. You fear that you will never be the same person again. You miss your old self and your old life terribly. You are in disbelief over how things can go from great to terrible. The thought of going out in public and running into people you know is crippling. Everyday tasks such as showering and making meals seem impossible. You feel alone. You feel like no one understands the pain you are feeling. You may be angry at some of your family and friends for not doing and saying the 'right' things.You desperately want your baby and your pregnancy to be acknowledged. You know that you are still a mother to your baby and you want the world to know and recognize this.

I want you to know that you are still a mother to your baby. You will think of ways to honour your baby and make them a part of your life. You will think of the time spent with your baby, both in your womb and in your arms, as a blessing. You will smile when you think of your babies cute features and you will talk proudly of your little blessing taken too soon. I want you to know that you can grieve for as long as you need to grieve. Time will heal up some of the wounds that feel impossible to mend. I want you to know that this was not your fault.You will find out the science behind your loss, even if it is deemed an unknown cause, and you will move forward. The feelings of guilt will come and go and you will accept that you did everything you could have to save your baby. I want you to know that you have a voice. You will slowly figure out that you need to set the stage for your family and friends and set them up for success, so to speak. You will realize that the world is not against you and that people just simply do not know how to 'be' in situations like this. Death is not a comfortable topic for people, especially the loss of a child. Eventually those close to you will become comfortable talking about the memory of your baby just as you have. I want you to know that you WILL smile again. You will smile, and you will mean it. The debilitating days of pain and sorrow will become further a part and the heaviness will lift. You will slowly come to terms with your loss and you will accept it.  I want you to know that you will learn to live in this new normal and slowly your old self will emerge. You will still laugh and enjoy life. You will still enjoy your passions as you did before. You will now live your life with a new appreciation and outlook. Most importantly, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many women just like you. This has happened before, and unfortunately it will happen again. I want you to know that you will build strength through these women who have gone through this before. I want you to know that YOU will become that strength. One day you will use your strength to help another mother whom is going through a loss herself.  Life is a circle. A beautiful messy and powerful circle.

Love,

Another hurting mom xo

The Appointment

Today we have our hospital appointment. The appointment I have been thinking about for months. It is finally happening. Today I will return to the same recovery section of the hospital where I spent those long hours and days after we lost Sawyer. I am hoping I will have enough strength to walk myself there again. We are seeing a new OB who specializes in high risk pregnancies. She will be the one to go over our results and discuss how we will proceed with future pregnancies. I am hoping for some answers as to why Sawyer died. I still feel an incredible amount of guilt and I would love for that to be eased. Part of me feels like when I walk into her office I will be arrested for child negligence! I know that sounds crazy, but how could I not notice and prevent his death? I really hope an answer will help me. I am still baffled by how long we have had to wait. We still may not know everything. The hospital called last week to let us know that his results were still not in, but that the doctor things she has enough to go on, whatever that may mean. They might be in by this afternoon, but I am not expecting it. As for future pregnancies, I am not sure how I feel about it yet. I know I am not ready. I have had the odd feeling of pregnancy, such as waves of feeling ill after smells and waking in the night to pee (I know I am not pregnant), and when those feelings hit me the feeling of not being ready hits. I am not ready for that yet. Physically, I am still drained. Perhaps in the summer I will have a different outlook on a new baby. But for now, absolutely not.

A House To Make A Home

Well, it's almost official. We bought a house! Finally. We signed the papers last week and tomorrow is our home inspection. One last thing to get through before we are sure it is ours. Just as I expected, purchasing a home has brought up a ton of emotions. Unfortunately, mostly anger. I feel anger towards the whole experience because Sawyer will not be moving into our house with us as we had planned for so long. The room that should be his sits nameless as of now. I feel anger towards myself because I still have an underlying guilt thinking that Sawyer passed because we moved. I can't help but think that as we have no other answers.

I have been trying to think positive and feel excited about finally owning a home again after living with our in laws for nearly six months. I am also very nervous to be on my own again in a home. Owning a home comes with so much responsibility and living with my in laws since Sawyer died has been a blessing to our family. They have helped us out so much with daily tasks such as preparing meals and grocery shopping. I seriously feel like I will need to re learn how to do all of my 'wifely' duties once we move in to our home. The past few months I have been living in a bubble with low responsibilities. It will be an adjustment for sure.

One other massive hurdle to get through is the renos. Why not add a little more craziness into our lives, right? The house we purchased is a full top to bottom gut job! This was our compromise to get in to our desired area. We totally scored on the price which allows us to put the money we need to into it. We are hoping we are being realistic with our budget. The house we bought is 2 minutes from my husbands parents. We will continue to live here while the reno's are going on. Another blessing!

I will finally have my house to make a home with all of the pickings of my choice. I wish more than anything that I could have Sawyer there too. I will be happy to finally hang memories of him in our home. I know he will be there with us in some way, just not the way any of us want. I had a thought to make the room that would have been Sawyer's into a yoga room. A peaceful place to reflect and to collect our thoughts. This room faces a beautiful view of the escarpment. One day this room may be a nursery for our third child, but until then it will remain his.

Fingers crossed for inspection day tomorrow! 

My Birthday Escape

This past week I celebrated my 31st birthday. My wonderful husband planned a night away for us in Collingwood, at the Blue Mountain Village.We began our trip at the Scandinave Spa with a 1.5 hour hot stone massage followed by spending the rest of the day in the baths. Robes + Freezing Cold + Snow + Fire + Hot Baths + Saunas = Relaxation. Just what we both needed. We had lunch in our robes and sipped tea and coffee on couches overlooking the beautiful outdoor spa. The smell of cedar was so calming and the eucalyptus sauna was refreshing. Being outside in the fresh air all warm and cozy by the fires and pools was such a treat. I am so thankful.

Following the spa we made our way to the village where we basically ate, and ate, and ate. Poutine, pizza, wings, Rocky Mountain chocolate and fudge, beaver tails, and of course Starbucks were some of what we enjoyed. The scenery was beautiful! Blue Mountain Village is sort of like a horseshoe of hotels and shops. The hotels are above all of the shops and restaurants. In the middle there is a skating pond and more restaurants. At the base of the horseshoe is the bottom of the mountain where the ski slops end. There is Christmas lights lining the buildings and trees. It was very pretty. We walked around, shopped, and skated. It was lovely! Next time, we vowed to ski! We are want to be skiers. Every winter we say we will go but I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding. Sadly not the case this year. Maybe we will get out skiing yet before the winder comes to an end as next year I *hopefully will either be pregnant or breastfeeding!

The next morning we had breakfast and shopped for our daughter. Our daughter is sadly obsessed with candy. I know all kids like sweet treats but she seriously has a candy problem. She is like me that way, she loves her sweets! We text her a picture of the candy store in the village because we knew she would flip out if she were with us. We bought her a big lollipop, ballet slippers, a tutu, and a robe. We couldn't wait to give her her gifts! She loved everything but I have to say that the robe took the cake. "Just like Mommy and Nonna", she said. She missed us but I think we definitely missed her more. It was a great trip and I can honestly say that I am beginning to feel a little more like my 'old' self again. A little mini vacation brought me back just a little and I am thankful for that. I thought of Sawyer just as much as I thought of my little A at home. I wish so badly that I could return home to two loving sets of arms, but I know that there is a little Sawyer in A's hug that is always waiting for me.

                    

The Seventeenth

Today I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old in heaven. I am so proud of both of them. Every time the 17th rolls around I remember both of my children. The one who is with me here on earth and the one I will forever hold in my heart. I miss you Sawyer. If you were here you would have had your monthly photo taken for your baby book just like your sister. I would have written your monthly story to accompany the photo, and of course you wold have been smothered with kisses and cuddles. I Love you! 

                                       

A New Year

I did a lot of reflecting as 2014 came to an end. 2014 is a year that I will remember for the rest of my life. It marks the end of my old life and the start of my new life of loss. In many ways it was both the happiest and saddest year of my life. The best year, and the worst year.

Nine months of 2014 were spent blissfully pregnant. I had my husband, my two year old daughter, my baby boy, my dog, and my home. We were all healthy and alive, living happily in our home. All together. I did not know pain. I did not know sadness. I did not know anger. I did not know grief. We were all unaware of the living nightmare that would strike before we had the chance to meet our sweet baby. There were no signs or warnings to prepare. Loss struck and it struck really hard.

In 2014 I experienced several people die. I began the year last January by going to a funeral for a three year old boy who died of cancer. I remember thinking that that would be was the saddest funeral I would ever attend. The brother in law of my moms best friend committed suicide. My brothers best friend fell asleep at the wheel after leaving my brothers house and died. My Oma's husband (whom I don't have a relationship with) died of cancer. My grandmother got cancer and went through a surgery. We sold our home and did not find one to purchase in time for our closing date. I remember actually saying that Sawyer was the only good thing that would happen in 2014. Then, before I could blink, he was taken from us too. Another blow, possibly the biggest blow, to our family before the year would end.

2015 is going to be a year of new beginnings. We will purchase a house, move in, and make it our home for a long time. I have so much faith that 'the one' will come up this month! I will gain some control of my life back. I will go back to work and function like a normal human being. We will *hopefully create a new life. Our third child. My daughter will be the sister of a sibling here on earth. We will infuse our home with memories of Sawyer and he will become a happy thought. We will do something in his memory and start new traditions for our family.

In many ways this year will symbolize how our family moves forward. We can let starting over destroy us, or we can grow as a couple and as parents in a positive way. I prefer the latter.

Cheers to 2015!