Ok, this is more of a vent. I am five and a half weeks into this journey, and I am finding myself overwhelmed with anger. Specifically, toward other people and their 'problems'. I was told by my doctors about the stages of grief and how I would probably feel angry towards other mothers and babies. I am not angry towards those having healthy babies, or becoming pregnant. Sure, at times I feel it is unfair and that upsets me, but other peoples happiness is not what makes me angry. The anger I am talking about is a deeper anger toward others and their view of what makes them angry. Am I making any sense? I am angry with those who complain over petty problems. Just STOP IT!
I want to scream: You want to know a real problem?
Finding out your babies heart stopped beating in the home stretch of your pregnancy.
Preparing yourself to give birth to death.
Saying goodbye to your child, mere hours after you met.
Having to explain to your 2 year old why her baby brother isn't coming home.
Having your milk come in with no baby to feed.
Crying so hard that your eyes are nearly swollen shut, then realizing your emotions have made your boobs leak.
These problems are real. They cannot ever be fixed. EVER. Nothing in the whole world can bring back my baby. So when you tell me you are pissed because of the way your sons hockey league is organized, I DON'T CARE (voice your opinion to the league). If you are arguing with your boyfriend because he cancelled your plans, I DON'T CARE (you can make plans for any other day). If you are upset because it's 5am, you've been up with the baby all night, your four year old is up because he has had a bad dream and your toddler is in the kitchen eating a dozen cookies, you guessed it, I DON'T CARE (you are blessed with 3 beautiful children, get up and enjoy them!). I hate being so angry, but it is how I feel at this time.
I am also angry towards those in my past who have drained my energy over and over by supporting them thorough their minor life bumps.
I keep thinking of certain people and how I have supported them through
what at the time to them seemed like the end of the world. In reality their problems were small. They didn't involve death or sickness. I think back on these times, and feel angry. I am angry with myself too as I used to be one of these people who thought the world was ending over every small issue. Loss really puts things in perspective. Now that I have lost my sweet baby, my son, I can only now see the beauty in embracing every moment with your loved ones. Once it's over, it's really over. Forever. I am so saddened that for me and my son, it is too late. I wish I had some time to prepare for this tragedy. My husband and I would have taken Sawyer to all of the places that a little boy should visit with his family. We would have talked to him about life and our love for him and embraced every movement and tummy kick. Oh how I wish I could have those precious 36 weeks back with him. If you are reading this and you have children, PLEASE see this as a reminder that life is short. Don't get hung up on the small things that are really not important. Enjoy every moment with your loved ones because in the end, the moments and memories are all that matter.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Saturday, October 18, 2014
My Life Sentence
They day we found out that our sweet baby died, a part of me died too. I can remember laying in the hospital bed and thinking that life will never be the same. Ever. I will forever be sad and nothing in life will bring me complete joy. How can I continue on knowing that I will always be sad? I really hope that this thought is temporary.
I feel like I have been robbed of life. I am 30, and I was only given 30 years to live a happy life. I now have to continue the remainder of my life with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and a constant reminder of my sadness. My life sentence. I had a pretty great life before all of this happened. I was in control. I controlled how I wanted my life to be, and it worked! I worked hard on my education to become a teacher. I worked hard on my relationship to marry my husband. I planned my daughters birth perfectly, 2 years after we were married. I planned my second to be born just after my daughter turned 2. I was robbed of my plan, my control. I now will not have my sweet baby 2 years after our first. I lost the control to make my daughter a big sister (the kind of big sister that can physically connect with her sibling).
My daughter is what has been keeping me going through these past few weeks (along with my wonderful husband). The love that we share is so powerful, but I can't help but feel like I have been robbed of being a wonderful mother too. Now, when I look at my daughter, I don't only see joy, but rather sadness. Sadness that I will not get to connect with Sawyer in the same way. Sadness about all of the cute things she does, because I can only wonder if he would do them too. Our daughter is so incredibly awesome. She is such a kind, loving and funny girl! Why was I robbed of the chance to raise another awesome little human? I would (and my husband too!) have raised Sawyer to be so kind and loving. The kind of boy that does good in the world. I am so saddened that I won't get that chance. I can only hope that in the future I can look at my daughter with pure joy again.
I think what scares me the most is that I will lose myself. I will lose control of the person I was before this happened. I hope that I can muster the strength to move forward, without moving away from the person that I was before.
Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people, and I unfortunately am one of them. Before all of this, I believed in karma. If karma existed, I would be given the chance to have control over my life. I realize that one cannot control every aspect of their life, but family you should be able to control...especially when you are so close to having your dreams come true. I will continue to do good to others, but as far as karma goes, I am no longer a believer.
I feel like I have been robbed of life. I am 30, and I was only given 30 years to live a happy life. I now have to continue the remainder of my life with an overwhelming feeling of emptiness and a constant reminder of my sadness. My life sentence. I had a pretty great life before all of this happened. I was in control. I controlled how I wanted my life to be, and it worked! I worked hard on my education to become a teacher. I worked hard on my relationship to marry my husband. I planned my daughters birth perfectly, 2 years after we were married. I planned my second to be born just after my daughter turned 2. I was robbed of my plan, my control. I now will not have my sweet baby 2 years after our first. I lost the control to make my daughter a big sister (the kind of big sister that can physically connect with her sibling).
My daughter is what has been keeping me going through these past few weeks (along with my wonderful husband). The love that we share is so powerful, but I can't help but feel like I have been robbed of being a wonderful mother too. Now, when I look at my daughter, I don't only see joy, but rather sadness. Sadness that I will not get to connect with Sawyer in the same way. Sadness about all of the cute things she does, because I can only wonder if he would do them too. Our daughter is so incredibly awesome. She is such a kind, loving and funny girl! Why was I robbed of the chance to raise another awesome little human? I would (and my husband too!) have raised Sawyer to be so kind and loving. The kind of boy that does good in the world. I am so saddened that I won't get that chance. I can only hope that in the future I can look at my daughter with pure joy again.
I think what scares me the most is that I will lose myself. I will lose control of the person I was before this happened. I hope that I can muster the strength to move forward, without moving away from the person that I was before.
Life isn't fair. Bad things happen to good people, and I unfortunately am one of them. Before all of this, I believed in karma. If karma existed, I would be given the chance to have control over my life. I realize that one cannot control every aspect of their life, but family you should be able to control...especially when you are so close to having your dreams come true. I will continue to do good to others, but as far as karma goes, I am no longer a believer.
The Blame Game
I really hope that one day, I will have some peace with what happened. Right now, my mind is such a mess. I can't stop thinking about what went wrong. How does a textbook pregnancy turn into such a nightmare just like that? I have been racking my brain trying to remember the days and weeks leading up to his passing. Did he have decreased movements and I didn't notice? Did I sleep on my back that night and cut off his oxygen? I started taking extra vitamins to boost my immune for delivery 2 weeks before this happened, maybe that is why? Maybe I was too stressed? We moved and I began a new job, was that too much for me to handle while pregnant? I really feel that this is somehow my fault. I did this to my baby. I am the only one that could have! His home was my belly, and somehow I failed him. I am not sure how I will ever move passed the guilt. I have been told by many doctors that this isn't my fault. Somethings things like this happen to good people. The worst part is the not knowing. I wish I had a reason. We won't have the full pm results back for six months, but our midwife and the ob's from the hospital suspect they will come back as 'no known cause'. There IS a cause. Babies just don't die, as adults just don't die. Something happened, we just don't know what. I feel that I will blame myself, unless something conclusive can tell me otherwise. My sweet Sawyer, please know that mommy did not mean to do this to you. I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms and bring you home to your family where you belong.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
October 15th - Infant Loss Remembrance Day
Today, October 15th, is Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Until recently, I was unaware of this day. A day to remember our children taken far to soon. I probably saw the posts floating around the internet world last year about this day and thought something like, 'oh, how sad for those people', and continued on without another thought. Boy how a year can change things. I am now a part of this awful group of women that none of us want to be a part of. So tonight, for our little Sawyer, we light a candle and know that he will remain a light inside each of our hearts forever.
We love you Sawyer, and not a day will go by where we don't think about you.
We love you Sawyer, and not a day will go by where we don't think about you.
Dear Sawyer
Mommy misses you more than words can say. Yesterday was your due date. Monday, October 13th, 2014...Thanksgiving day. I really wish you were here with us. We tried to make the best of what the weekend was, but we are really missing having you here with us. We thought we would be thankful for different reasons this year, but we are still thankful. I am thankful for the love we shared for 36 weeks and 1 day. I am thankful for the lifetime of love that I will dedicate to you. I am thankful that one day, I will be with you.
Love, Mommy xo
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
The Morning Life Stopped
Tuesday, September 16th, 2014. A morning I will never forget. This is the morning that I realized my sweet baby was no longer moving. I didn't want to believe it, but I knew in my heart it was real.
I woke up in the morning to my daughter hopping into bed with us as usual. My husband went and got her a bottle and we had our morning snuggle. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I got back into bed, it hit me that I hadn't felt the baby move yet. He is usually very active. I didn't think much of it. I told my self that he was probably sleepy like his mama. I was still quite tired so my husband offered to take my daughter down and feed her breakfast. Ahhh, a sleep in! I lazed around in bed and dozed off for a short while. When I got up, I told my husband about the baby's movement and he too thought it was nothing. We are 36 weeks, there is no way something could go wrong! After eating breakfast, drinking a glass of oj and eating a piece of dark chocolate, I knew. He was so still. I poked and poked and could only feel something so still. We got in the car and headed to the hospital where are worst fears were confirmed.
I will never forget those moments in that room. The nurse hooked up the monitor and placed it on my belly, then re-placed it, and re-placed it. I knew. She then found a heartbeat (my own), and was very hopeful. I will never forget the look on my husbands face. He was so hopeful and all I could say was 'honey, he's gone, he's gone'! The tech brought in the ultrasound machine for further confirmation. That was by far the absolute worst moment. I have the image of my sweet baby boy laying so still in my belly, scarred into my mind. What once was a beautiful image of a healthy heart beat, and tiny limbs swimming, was now still.Devastation, heart break, sadness, there are really no words. Not one I can think of that describes the feeling of that moment.
I was so strong in that moment. You could probably chalk my strength up to shock. My husband on the other hand was a mess. I have never seen a man cry quite the same. My heart was breaking into a million little pieces. For my baby, my husband, my daughter, our future. Life has stopped, and it will never ever be the same.
My midwife arrived at the hospital and I was taken into a labour and delivery room. This moment was supposed to be so different. So so different. I remember so vividly the birth of our daughter and I longed for that excitement. I kept telling myself that we still get to meet our son, but just very differently than how we met our daughter. We were asked how we wanted to proceed with labour. Did we want to go home and let it happen naturally? Or stay and be induced? I knew in my heart that I could not leave the hospital knowing that my sweet baby was in my tummy, still. I wanted so badly to have a c-section, but knew it wasn't in my best interest. The thought of having the strength and energy to push him out knowing the end result made me sick to my stomach. How on earth would I be able to do that? I am not strong enough for this! My loving husband had so much faith in me. We will do this together, he said. Together? I thought about that for a moment. Although we wouldn't be doing the physical part of it together, the emotional part of it will be the very same. Though a different connection (nothing ever can compare to a mother's connection with her child in the womb), he was just as much in love with this baby as I was. We WILL do this together.
The thoughts, emotions and physical heartache of this experience are simply hard to put into words. My husband, my baby, and myself spent many moments in that L&D room together privately, embracing what moments we had left with each other. From the moment of induction we were faced with so many decisions. Decisions that I wasn't ready to face. Funeral arrangements - I am not supposed to be planning my son's funeral. I am supposed to be planning his future! Do you want to hold the baby? - Of course I want to hold my baby! How much time would you like to spend with your baby? - Ummm, how about forever. Is that an option?
I don't have any recollection of the timing between things. I think I was induced around 11am. The waiting was a process that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was a weird feeling. I really wanted him out. It was like I was waiting an wishing upon the worst moment of my life. At this point I was still in shock and I hadn't cried a real tear. There were a few things I knew: I knew that the worst was yet to come. I am hooked up to this IV that is going to cause me great physical pain (along with delivery) and I also have to endure the most unfortunate and intense emotional pain that I have ever experienced. I knew that he would be so cute and perfect. I knew that I would fall in love with him all over again. I knew my husband would do the same. Most of all, I knew that in the end we would have to say goodbye.
Sometime in the middle of the night, my midwife broke my waters. Right before, it hit me. This is real, this is happening. I finally broke down. I thought back to the birth of our daughter. I thought it was hilarious when my waters broke. I wasn't prepared for how much fluid actually came out. With her we were waiting for my labour to pick up at my mother and father in laws. I soaked through all of my hospital clothes and we had to do a load of laundry before heading to the hospital. I swear each time it happened I could fill a liter jug, and it happened about 5 times! This time, it wasn't funny. My son was delivered at 7:37 am on Wednesday, September 17th. He was perfect. 6lbs 8oz and 20 and a half inches of cuteness. He looked just like my husband.
The next few hours we spent together. We tried to smile, but mostly cried. He was so perfect. We were so close to bringing him home. Just 6 more days and he would have been full term. The hospital staff was fantastic. The doctors and nurses were incredible to us. My midwife stayed with me the entire time and she was wonderful! It was hard to feel thankful, but we certainly were. There is a volunteer organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, who takes pictures of families in unfortunate situations like ours. Our photographer came in and she was wonderful too. As wonderful as you can be in these kind of moments. Though not the newborn photo's I had envisioned, I am so grateful that we have beautiful pictures of our perfect angel to cherish forever. I remember seeing something about this company on facebook after my daughter was born. I remember clicking on the link, seeing photo's of a baby that was still, and bawling. I went to my husband and told him what I had seen and I remember giving our daughter a big hug. Little did I know, two short years later I would be using that company and grateful for them. I have definitely learned that nothing in life is forever, and the unexpected can actually happen to you. Yes, YOU. It is not just something you see in movies or hear about through friends of friends of friends. Embrace each second and be thankful for the life you have, because life could stop at any moment.
I woke up in the morning to my daughter hopping into bed with us as usual. My husband went and got her a bottle and we had our morning snuggle. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I got back into bed, it hit me that I hadn't felt the baby move yet. He is usually very active. I didn't think much of it. I told my self that he was probably sleepy like his mama. I was still quite tired so my husband offered to take my daughter down and feed her breakfast. Ahhh, a sleep in! I lazed around in bed and dozed off for a short while. When I got up, I told my husband about the baby's movement and he too thought it was nothing. We are 36 weeks, there is no way something could go wrong! After eating breakfast, drinking a glass of oj and eating a piece of dark chocolate, I knew. He was so still. I poked and poked and could only feel something so still. We got in the car and headed to the hospital where are worst fears were confirmed.
I will never forget those moments in that room. The nurse hooked up the monitor and placed it on my belly, then re-placed it, and re-placed it. I knew. She then found a heartbeat (my own), and was very hopeful. I will never forget the look on my husbands face. He was so hopeful and all I could say was 'honey, he's gone, he's gone'! The tech brought in the ultrasound machine for further confirmation. That was by far the absolute worst moment. I have the image of my sweet baby boy laying so still in my belly, scarred into my mind. What once was a beautiful image of a healthy heart beat, and tiny limbs swimming, was now still.
I was so strong in that moment. You could probably chalk my strength up to shock. My husband on the other hand was a mess. I have never seen a man cry quite the same. My heart was breaking into a million little pieces. For my baby, my husband, my daughter, our future. Life has stopped, and it will never ever be the same.
My midwife arrived at the hospital and I was taken into a labour and delivery room. This moment was supposed to be so different. So so different. I remember so vividly the birth of our daughter and I longed for that excitement. I kept telling myself that we still get to meet our son, but just very differently than how we met our daughter. We were asked how we wanted to proceed with labour. Did we want to go home and let it happen naturally? Or stay and be induced? I knew in my heart that I could not leave the hospital knowing that my sweet baby was in my tummy, still. I wanted so badly to have a c-section, but knew it wasn't in my best interest. The thought of having the strength and energy to push him out knowing the end result made me sick to my stomach. How on earth would I be able to do that? I am not strong enough for this! My loving husband had so much faith in me. We will do this together, he said. Together? I thought about that for a moment. Although we wouldn't be doing the physical part of it together, the emotional part of it will be the very same. Though a different connection (nothing ever can compare to a mother's connection with her child in the womb), he was just as much in love with this baby as I was. We WILL do this together.
The thoughts, emotions and physical heartache of this experience are simply hard to put into words. My husband, my baby, and myself spent many moments in that L&D room together privately, embracing what moments we had left with each other. From the moment of induction we were faced with so many decisions. Decisions that I wasn't ready to face. Funeral arrangements - I am not supposed to be planning my son's funeral. I am supposed to be planning his future! Do you want to hold the baby? - Of course I want to hold my baby! How much time would you like to spend with your baby? - Ummm, how about forever. Is that an option?
I don't have any recollection of the timing between things. I think I was induced around 11am. The waiting was a process that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It was a weird feeling. I really wanted him out. It was like I was waiting an wishing upon the worst moment of my life. At this point I was still in shock and I hadn't cried a real tear. There were a few things I knew: I knew that the worst was yet to come. I am hooked up to this IV that is going to cause me great physical pain (along with delivery) and I also have to endure the most unfortunate and intense emotional pain that I have ever experienced. I knew that he would be so cute and perfect. I knew that I would fall in love with him all over again. I knew my husband would do the same. Most of all, I knew that in the end we would have to say goodbye.
Sometime in the middle of the night, my midwife broke my waters. Right before, it hit me. This is real, this is happening. I finally broke down. I thought back to the birth of our daughter. I thought it was hilarious when my waters broke. I wasn't prepared for how much fluid actually came out. With her we were waiting for my labour to pick up at my mother and father in laws. I soaked through all of my hospital clothes and we had to do a load of laundry before heading to the hospital. I swear each time it happened I could fill a liter jug, and it happened about 5 times! This time, it wasn't funny. My son was delivered at 7:37 am on Wednesday, September 17th. He was perfect. 6lbs 8oz and 20 and a half inches of cuteness. He looked just like my husband.
The next few hours we spent together. We tried to smile, but mostly cried. He was so perfect. We were so close to bringing him home. Just 6 more days and he would have been full term. The hospital staff was fantastic. The doctors and nurses were incredible to us. My midwife stayed with me the entire time and she was wonderful! It was hard to feel thankful, but we certainly were. There is a volunteer organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, who takes pictures of families in unfortunate situations like ours. Our photographer came in and she was wonderful too. As wonderful as you can be in these kind of moments. Though not the newborn photo's I had envisioned, I am so grateful that we have beautiful pictures of our perfect angel to cherish forever. I remember seeing something about this company on facebook after my daughter was born. I remember clicking on the link, seeing photo's of a baby that was still, and bawling. I went to my husband and told him what I had seen and I remember giving our daughter a big hug. Little did I know, two short years later I would be using that company and grateful for them. I have definitely learned that nothing in life is forever, and the unexpected can actually happen to you. Yes, YOU. It is not just something you see in movies or hear about through friends of friends of friends. Embrace each second and be thankful for the life you have, because life could stop at any moment.
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