Fa La La La La

I am a little Christmas OBSESSED. I always have been. I was worried that this year would be terribly sad as our Christmas would not be as I envisioned for our family. Surprisingly, I am beginning to get excited for the holiday season! Instead of having the holidays bring me down, I am choosing them to lift me up and get me through the sadness that is now our life. What better therapy than Christmas music, baking, crafts, snow, buying for others, and toddler smiles? I think I will always feel a little pull on my heart knowing that Sawyer will never spend my favourite holiday with our family here on earth; but, I know that he is with us and that he will be enjoying his first Christmas in heaven. If we get so much excitement out of the holidays here on earth, can you imagine the Christmas celebrations they must have in heaven? These are the thoughts that I have to have and believe for our Sawyer. It brings me peace thinking that heaven is real and that Sawyer is always around us. I need to be the best mommy to our daughter so that Sawyer can look down on us and see that his family is strong, and most importantly, loving. We love each other with everything we have and we will continue to do so until the day we are all together.

Sawyer is not here on earth. He never will be. All we have is beautiful memories and pictures of our very handsome and incredibly adorable baby boy. The only choice we have is to incorporate him into our lives in the best way that we can through holidays and every day life. I suppose you could say that this is one of the only things a bereaved parent can look forward to. With the holidays approaching, I have been thinking of how we will make Sawyer a part of our family traditions.

Recently, I came across a holiday ornament swap called the 'Remembering Together Swap' . Each year you are given a family who has lost a baby - they provide you with the name , date, etc. You make an ornament for their child who has passed and send it to them. In return, someone will make one for us. For Sawyer. I thought this would be nice to do with A each year. Something for her to look forward to in memory of her brother. I have signed up, so we will see how it goes. I also want to do something in Sawyer's name as well. I'd like to do something good with this tragedy. Maybe we will donate something to the hospital, or purchase toys for a family in need. I would also like to have a stocking for Sawyer. Though he isn't with us here on earth, he is still very much a part of our family. I am not sure what to put in it though. What does Santa bring for a child who is not with us? Something to teach our daugther about giving back...but I am not sure what yet!

I sure wish you were here, Sawyer. The holidays will not be the same without you. As you watch over us this holiday season, please know this: Every song we sing with your sister, every silly dance move we make, every family activity we do and book we read, every cuddle, every hug, and every kiss we give, we are doing it with you, for you, because of you. We LOVE you Sawyer, xo. 

Just The Three Of You?

Last night I did something brave. To most, this is a regular thing, but to me, it was brave and a pretty big deal. I went out for dinner...at a local restaurant. You have to understand the mind of a bereaved parent before you judge. Going out in public places is a really big deal. For those first few tender weeks I couldn't stomach going anywhere. My nerves and anxiety were through the roof. The thought of seeing the public was terrifying - even if they were strangers. The few times that we did go out during the few weeks following, I would insist that it was a few towns away. I felt like every single person knew everything about me. Like I was wearing a sign that said ' my baby died inside me'. Part of me wanted to wear a sign that said that, noting the reason for my disheveled looks and awkward personality. Like it was some sort of guarantee that no one would talk to me. I do still have these feelings in the public, but not as severe as the first few weeks.

Anyway, last night I was feeling brave and we decided to go out for dinner. We had a pretty good day and we were on our way back from a holiday event at a local garden center. As soon as we walked in I was reminded of our sadness. 'Just the three of you?', the hostess asked. I felt like saying, 'No, there are for of us, but only three of us will be dining physically tonight'. Ugh. Our family of four is only seen as a family of three. A loved one recently reminded me of this too, when I commented on a house being too small for us (while searching for a new home). "It's only the three of you". Oh, thanks. I know. Thanks for reminding me.

Sawyer, we will never think of us as a family of three. We are a family of four. One day, maybe we will be a family of five, or more. You will always be a part of our family.

xo

Check Up

This afternoon I had my 8 week check up with the OB that was with us when Sawyer was born. This is potentially the OB we will use in the future if we decide to have another as she is a high risk OB. I have been anticipating this day for many weeks. Though Sawyer cannot be brought back to us, we were hoping for something positive - answers. Why in the world did this happen to us? Two healthy people, with healthy families.

During my pregnancy with Sawyer, we had a midwife. I was quickly reminded why I went with a midwife when we visited the OB's office today. It was a very similar atmosphere to the OB we used for our daughter. LONG waits. LOTS of people. As soon as I walked through the doors, I noticed a very pregnant, very young, and very unhealthy looking mom to be waiting with her own mom. Her bedazzled shirt said, "Mom in Training". I thought to myself, "She will have a healthy baby". Now please don't think I would wish a harm like stillbirth this on another mother. I would never. But, I have to say it is frustrating knowing that I am ready for another baby, and healthier than this young lady ( I presume), and my baby died!

Our appointment was for 3:00 and we weren't seen until 4:10. During this time in the waiting room, I watched a mother walk in with her husband. I overheard him tell the receptionist that this morning her contractions were 3 mins apart. They were asked to have a seat. I was thinking "NO! Three minutes apart! Go to the hospital before your baby dies!" I suppose that was the Stillbirth mom in me talking. I envied her big round belly. Her exhaustion. I would give anything to have that back.

When we were finally called into a room, the nurse met with us. She did my weight and told us that the Dr. had a few results back from the hospital. She then asked if we had any questions for the doctor. Ummm, yeah. A few. A few hundred! We waited. Again. This by far was the worst part. I was taken right back to that day in the hospital. I felt sick and wished our wait could be over. The walls were so thin. I could hear the doctor in with the patient beside us. It was the young girl from the waiting room. And then I heard it, loud and clear for what felt like an eternity. Her babies heartbeat.  My eyes instantly welled, my throat swelled, and in an instant, I was a blubbery mess. I curled into my husbands arms while covering my ears, wishing for the sound to stop. That beautiful sound that I was hoping to hear that awful morning at the hospital.

When we finally saw the doctor, we were able to ask all of our questions. Unfortunately, the results she had from the hospital were the same results that our midwife went over with us. Everything was normal on him and I. Finally, almost two and a half hours later, we left. Once again, we are overcome with the wonder of why.

A Good Day

Yesterday was the first day that I felt something other than sadness. I had many moments of happiness and joy! It felt good to smile and actually mean it. Sure, there is sadness still but I think I am beginning to see the light. I have been trying to be more positive lately, mainly for my daughter. I don't want her growing up in a home of pure sadness. I need to be the same happy mom that I was to her just 7 short weeks ago.

It was just a regular day at home. Maybe it was the excitement of Halloween the night before, or the happiness of our daughter after her sugar rush. Maybe it was because it was November 1st and part of me wanted out of the sadness of October. Something inside me felt lighter and I became happy for our future. I actually became excited for the holidays. I was glued to the ipad and was inspired through pinterest. I became excited for baking, crafts and holiday diy. I thought of all of the fun things that we would do with our daughter and how excited she would be. As I was pinning away, it started to SNOW! Huge, fluffy flakes floated from the sky to the ground. I excitedly screeched and rushed my daughter outside. There were were, standing out front in our pj's watching the pure white flakes fall and hit our warm skin. This is when I felt happy. Peaceful. There is something about nature that makes me feel so connected to Sawyer.  

                                                   

I hope I experience more of these magical moments with my kids. Where I can connect with them both at the same time. My daughter in my arms, and Sawyer in my heart <3 .

Your Worst Nightmare

You know when you have one of those horrible dreams? The ones where you wake up in a state of panic with your face wrinkled, body clenched and your stomach in knots? The kind where the dream is so real that you are sure it has happened? I have these dreams every night. The kicker is that I don't have that moment where I think, 'Thank GOD this is just a dream'. It is real. Very real. Your worst nightmare, is my reality. I will never awake from this dream.

Since the early days of losing Sawyer, sleep has been one of those things that I wish so badly I could have. A good sleep. My family gave (and continues) me all the time I needed to rest. I would sleep in every morning and nap when I needed. But, I mostly just lay in bed and think. Sleep is hard work for me lately. I can't seem to get my brain to shut down. I feel like my mind is having a million conversations in a million different languages. All I think about is the loss of Sawyer. When I am awake, when I am sleeping.  I do have moments where there are happy thoughts, but most are sad. I still feel so guilty, and that is what keeps me up at night. I try to divert my thoughts to the happy times with him in my belly, and it makes me smile when I think of ways that our family will remember him. Pictures and sayings that will eventually be a part of our home. Ways our daughter will remember him by. I really like the picture posted here. It is myself walking very pregnant with Sawyer in my belly and my daughter walking along beside us. It makes me smile, and I think it is a nice picture for my daughter to have in her room to remind her that she is a big sister.

I plan on framing this for her and putting a caption saying something like 'beside me always'. I hope she likes it. These are the memories that I have to cherish and talk about. This picture was taken the day before Sawyer passed away. We were at the local fair. We had such a great time there, the four of us. We walked through the buildings and looked at the animals. Our daughter loved the bunnies! She rode a pony and played a fish game. We shared an elephant ear and lots of smiles! I now refer to this day as our last fully and completely happy day as a family. We didn't know the sadness of losing a child and we were so very innocent. I loved this day, and my 30 years before this happened. I can only hope I can truly come to peace with this and live yet again, happy.

Maybe tonight I will dream of a day where we are all together again, and I will awake with a smile:)

My Fortune

Last night we had Chinese food. This was my fortune:

A recent misfortune is just the beginning of your lucky streak. 

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Lord, I hope it's right!

Dear Sawyer

This post will be about you and your sister. I can't write it now, but soon! I am not strong enough today:)

Sawyer's Announcement

Sawyer Daniel Last Name - Sept. 17th, 2014

At the request of Giancarlo and Trish Last Name, it is with a heavy heart that I must share the news of the sudden passing of their precious baby son - Sawyer. Surrounded by the warmth of his mother's love, and comforted by the sound of her loving heart, he passed away during the early morning hours on Tuesday in his 36th gestational week. Delivered into this world a perfect angel on September 17th, to be held and loved in the arms of his Mommy and Daddy for a whisper of a moment, but eternally in our hearts and dreams. Forever and always he will be loved and missed by his big sister Ava, his puppy Bosco, his Grandma, his Nonna & Nonno, his Papa & Nanny, his great grandparents, his many Aunts, Uncles and cousins, and most of all by his Mommy & Daddy. Cremation will take place, and a private family gathering to celebrate Sawyer's precious love will be arranged for a later date. In honour of his tiny life, hugs and kisses can be given to those you love, and acts of kindness shared with family, friends and neighbours.