Mother's Day 2015

Mother's Day came just as fast as Sawyer went. It's here, one of the days I have thought about since Sawyer died. The day began pretty crummy, as I anticipated. My husband is working and so it is just me and A...and my mil and fil as we are still living with them. All morning I battled through the tears and did a pretty good job hiding my sorrow from A.  We spent the morning at our new house just her and I. We went for a bike ride and had a picnic in our backyard. My mom and grandparents came over for a visit. It was nice but I am happy that I have officially made it to nap time. A is asleep and I am here, reflecting on this day.

I have been really upset today about how the people around me handle our loss. They don't, and to say that upsets me is an understatement. Do the people in my life not think this day may be difficult for me? Do they think that because I have A, that I am ok? I am not ok. I am celebrating mother's day alone, without my smallest babe. I don't know why I logged on to facebook, but I did this morning. So many messages and posts about people loving their moms. So much love shouting out from moms beaming with pride and joy in raising their children. There are those who say they are thinking of those who don't have their moms here with them, and how this day is bitter sweet. There is recognition for those who mother whom are not the biological mothers. I've read nothing about how difficult this day must be for the moms who have lost their children. Not one. People don't want to think about a world with such sadness. No one wants to touch on that topic. It is extremely upsetting and very isolating for those of us who have to live in these shoes. The average person can count on one hand their family, friends and acquaintances living with the loss of a child. Call me selfish, but I just want need some love. I want to feel special on this day, and I most certainly don't. I know Sawyer isn't coming back. I wish those who loved me sent a little Sawyer love my way and recognized the bitterness of this day. Saying nothing feels like a million little knives stabbing me in the heart. Thank goodness for the few people in my life who get it. Those who are along for the ride in this awful grief.

To Sawyer, you are so loved. On this day, just like every day, mommy is missing you so much. What I really want for Mother's day is the chance to see you again. I want to hold you and hug you and kiss you and never let you go. I am so sorry that you are not here with me today. You will forever be my baby and I hope you receive the kiss that I blow to heaven for you each night.

Love you baby boy.

Love, Mommy, xo