SEVEN

Today has been a hard day. It is not a significant day, just difficult because of the obvious. I couldn't sleep last night as my mind was racing and replaying awful things. I was up all night with A because she has a terrible cold. She slept with me and in the few moments of sleep that she had, all I could do was worry about her and think about what happened to Sawyer. I have never been more thankful to be up all night with my little girl. The best sound in the world is listening to her breathe and the sounds she makes with her soother. I love watching her sleep. Perhaps it's the lack of sleep, but today has been emotional.

Today I overheard my mother in law tell someone on the phone that she had six grandchildren. Five boys and one girl. There are SEVEN. SIX boys. I was crushed into a million little pieces all over again. Sawyer is our son. He is and always will be a huge part of our lives. How could his existence not be validated through her number of grandchildren? Was it too difficult to perhaps maybe have to explain that one of them is not with us? How am I supposed to live my life each day honouring him when it is difficult for others to mention him in a phone conversation? It seems as though my worst fear is happening. He is not being remembered and each little jab reminding me that he is not here with me kills a piece of my heart. Today, it seems like I do not have many pieces left. I know this comment wasn't meant to hurt me. But it did. It probably came out and it didn't even register to her that the answer should be different. I am so sensitive and words like these hurt more than the average person can imagine. My kids are my world. Please include both of them.