The Results

Let's start with the good news. The good news is that my husband and I both absolutely loved our new obstetrician. Both her and her resident were fabulous! They were caring and genuine. We had all of the time in the world to talk to them. We weren't rushed and they were both so sweet and informative.

The bad news is that we were given an answer. The answer is that there is no answer. Just as we had expected. The report was in and everything tested on him and I was normal. They believe he was growing right up until he died. They think it was something acute that happened during my sleep that night, but they were unable to say what. It is frustrating for sure, but it is the answer that we expected to hear. We found out that he was measuring 38 weeks! What a big boy. He appeared healthy, other than the obvious. The other tough part of the appointment was the location. It was literally steps away from the unit where I stayed after I delivered Sawyer. While I was waiting for my appointment I could see the room where we spent several nights. I was surprisingly ok. I was thankful to have my husband there. Then there was the receptionist who assumed I was pregnant when I checked in and asked if I had an ultrasound this morning (ultrasounds are done on another level of the hospital). That stung.

Together, we made a plan for our next pregnancy. They gave us the green light to try again whenever we are ready. They assured me that I would have excellent care and that they would be there 24/7 to answer my questions and to ease my concern. This new ob is located in the hospital we delivered Sawyer in. It is a hospital that specializes in children and I know we will be in good hands there. It is comforting for me that they are always open and someone will be there to help me. She said that if I needed to I could come in every day! I would have regular ultrasounds and non stress tests. They would like to see me get to 37 weeks, but if everything was going well and I absolutely needed to have the baby at 36 weeks (when we lost Sawyer), I could. All of this sounds great, but I can't help but think all of this should have been done with Sawyer. I don't want to feel like my next pregnancy is a 'redo' with better care. I should have demanded this type of care with him, and he may be here today. See, I am still blaming myself. There was no reason for me to have this type of care with him because I had, or so I thought, a problem free pregnancy.

A big part of our appointment was me asking every single thing I could to rule out what could have caused this. Was it that coffee I had that day? Was it my vitamins that I was taking? Was it my stress? Thankfully, she assured me that it was not any of those things! She said that stress may cause early labour, but not death. I was happy, to finally, after over 5 months, speak with a doctor who took the time to answer my questions and genuinely care. 

The anticipation for this appointment was difficult. I am happy his results were in, I just wish we were given an answer as to what exactly went wrong. It seems so senseless to take such a beautiful perfect boy. We miss you Sawyer. I hope you know that, xxxx.