To The Mom Whose Baby Died

To the mom who is tired. To the mom who thinks she is failing. To the working mom. To the busy mom. I am sure you have seen letters like these floating around the social media world. These letters are meant to be encouraging for mothers. It is women banding together and empowering each other. They are affirming that how they are parenting, how they feel, is acceptable and normal. When one mother admits something and another mother can relate, it changes the way you perceive yourself as a mother. It is comforting to know that other mothers are feeling the same feelings as you. It is always nice to know that you aren't alone.

This has got me thinking. What about the moms whose babies have died? There are never any letters to mothers about how to handle their grief. There aren't letters floating around my news feed about how to cope when your baby dies. I don't want to be the mom who needs these letters, but here I am. Isolated from the 'mom' world. When our loss was new and fresh, all I wanted to do was feel less alone. I wanted to know that other mothers had gone through this and survived. I wanted so badly for someone to scoop me up and tell me that everything was going to be ok. I needed to feel normal again and I longed for people who understood the pain. So today, I will write my own letter.

To the mom whose baby died.

I am so sorry for your loss. There are no words to take away your sadness, but I hope these words can bring you some comfort for the next few weeks and months ahead. Right now you are probably in a fog. You are not sure how you will pick yourself up from this. You can not imagine living your life without your baby. Your future is different, and you are angry. You are replaying the last few days and weeks of your pregnancy, wondering what you could have done differently to save your baby. You are angry at yourself. You are angry at the world. If your baby was your first child, you are wondering if you will ever mother a child here on earth. If you have other children at home, you are wondering how you will be able to go on and parent them the same way you have been doing since the day they were born. Smiling seems like climbing Mount Kilimanjaro. You fear that you will never be the same person again. You miss your old self and your old life terribly. You are in disbelief over how things can go from great to terrible. The thought of going out in public and running into people you know is crippling. Everyday tasks such as showering and making meals seem impossible. You feel alone. You feel like no one understands the pain you are feeling. You may be angry at some of your family and friends for not doing and saying the 'right' things.You desperately want your baby and your pregnancy to be acknowledged. You know that you are still a mother to your baby and you want the world to know and recognize this.

I want you to know that you are still a mother to your baby. You will think of ways to honour your baby and make them a part of your life. You will think of the time spent with your baby, both in your womb and in your arms, as a blessing. You will smile when you think of your babies cute features and you will talk proudly of your little blessing taken too soon. I want you to know that you can grieve for as long as you need to grieve. Time will heal up some of the wounds that feel impossible to mend. I want you to know that this was not your fault.You will find out the science behind your loss, even if it is deemed an unknown cause, and you will move forward. The feelings of guilt will come and go and you will accept that you did everything you could have to save your baby. I want you to know that you have a voice. You will slowly figure out that you need to set the stage for your family and friends and set them up for success, so to speak. You will realize that the world is not against you and that people just simply do not know how to 'be' in situations like this. Death is not a comfortable topic for people, especially the loss of a child. Eventually those close to you will become comfortable talking about the memory of your baby just as you have. I want you to know that you WILL smile again. You will smile, and you will mean it. The debilitating days of pain and sorrow will become further a part and the heaviness will lift. You will slowly come to terms with your loss and you will accept it.  I want you to know that you will learn to live in this new normal and slowly your old self will emerge. You will still laugh and enjoy life. You will still enjoy your passions as you did before. You will now live your life with a new appreciation and outlook. Most importantly, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are so many women just like you. This has happened before, and unfortunately it will happen again. I want you to know that you will build strength through these women who have gone through this before. I want you to know that YOU will become that strength. One day you will use your strength to help another mother whom is going through a loss herself.  Life is a circle. A beautiful messy and powerful circle.

Love,

Another hurting mom xo